For now. At least for today, anyways. I don't know if I'll keep this up or not. Probably not, because I suck. But I definitely need an outlet for some of this stress and worry.
So much has happened since the last time I posted here. I feel like a totally different person, but we'll get to that in a minute. I had that cancer blood work done, and it was all fine. I had surgery in January 2013 on my ovary and it did nothing. I took 6 weeks of continuous birth control, and that helped a little, but not enough. I took two months of Lupron 3.75mg. And that did the opposite of what it should've done. So the RE referred me to a gynecological oncologist, who charged me almost $600 to sit in her waiting room for an hour, followed by a ten minute consultation in which she immediately decided that my ovary needs to come out. We decided to wait until we had insurance to do any of that.
Fast forward to this year. Finally got insurance after dealing with the ACA website problems. But I also started lactating, so that's fun. Prolactin is super high, but thyroid function is good, and the comprehensive metabolic panel came back fine also. So probably a pituitary tumor. We thought about it, and decided not to have my ovary out yet, because it's likely that a pituitary tumor is causing a lot of issues. I get to meet with my RE again on Tuesday to see what he wants to do. Definitely MRI to check it out. Beyond that, I don't know. If it's just a prolactinoma, I can probably take meds to shrink it. If it's any other kind, probably surgery. On my brain. Which freaks me out. But that's getting ahead of ourselves.
I have to say, having endocrine problems is a real bitch. I'm always tired, like drop dead tired. All the time. I can't control my weight without going to extremes. My mood fluctuates so much, comparing it to a roller coaster doesn't do it justice. Keith says my personality is so different than it used to be. I think he's right, and that's a little scary. I went through a huge identity crisis a while back. I can't imagine treating and/or fixing this problem and having to adjust to a new me again. It's too hard. I don't know what I'll do if I have to go through that again. Endure it, I guess, but I'm so tired of having to endure and persevere or whatever.
Over the last year, I've gone through phases of wanting a baby and being ok without one. Right now I have a serious case of Baby Fever, but also some very big doubts. I feel like so much responsibility is always heaped on me, and very little on Keith. I'm scared that having a kid won't change that. I don't know how we always circle back around to "Everything is Always Krissy's Job/Responsibility/Fault," but I think it would be way too stressful to throw a baby into that mix right now. So yeah, while I am going back to the fertility doc, it's mostly to get this problem fixed so that maybe I can be healthy for a while. I don't even remember what it feels like to be truly healthy. It's been a long time.
So much has happened since the last time I posted here. I feel like a totally different person, but we'll get to that in a minute. I had that cancer blood work done, and it was all fine. I had surgery in January 2013 on my ovary and it did nothing. I took 6 weeks of continuous birth control, and that helped a little, but not enough. I took two months of Lupron 3.75mg. And that did the opposite of what it should've done. So the RE referred me to a gynecological oncologist, who charged me almost $600 to sit in her waiting room for an hour, followed by a ten minute consultation in which she immediately decided that my ovary needs to come out. We decided to wait until we had insurance to do any of that.
Fast forward to this year. Finally got insurance after dealing with the ACA website problems. But I also started lactating, so that's fun. Prolactin is super high, but thyroid function is good, and the comprehensive metabolic panel came back fine also. So probably a pituitary tumor. We thought about it, and decided not to have my ovary out yet, because it's likely that a pituitary tumor is causing a lot of issues. I get to meet with my RE again on Tuesday to see what he wants to do. Definitely MRI to check it out. Beyond that, I don't know. If it's just a prolactinoma, I can probably take meds to shrink it. If it's any other kind, probably surgery. On my brain. Which freaks me out. But that's getting ahead of ourselves.
I have to say, having endocrine problems is a real bitch. I'm always tired, like drop dead tired. All the time. I can't control my weight without going to extremes. My mood fluctuates so much, comparing it to a roller coaster doesn't do it justice. Keith says my personality is so different than it used to be. I think he's right, and that's a little scary. I went through a huge identity crisis a while back. I can't imagine treating and/or fixing this problem and having to adjust to a new me again. It's too hard. I don't know what I'll do if I have to go through that again. Endure it, I guess, but I'm so tired of having to endure and persevere or whatever.
Over the last year, I've gone through phases of wanting a baby and being ok without one. Right now I have a serious case of Baby Fever, but also some very big doubts. I feel like so much responsibility is always heaped on me, and very little on Keith. I'm scared that having a kid won't change that. I don't know how we always circle back around to "Everything is Always Krissy's Job/Responsibility/Fault," but I think it would be way too stressful to throw a baby into that mix right now. So yeah, while I am going back to the fertility doc, it's mostly to get this problem fixed so that maybe I can be healthy for a while. I don't even remember what it feels like to be truly healthy. It's been a long time.
Your priority right now is not having a baby, it's getting yourself healthy. You have a lot of issues that need to be dealt with physically before you can deal with the stress of motherhood. Also, you should see a therapist to talk things out with a professional who can help you deal with the stress that's crippling you right now and putting stress on your marriage. As someone who loves you very much, I have to be straight with you on the "it's always Krissy's job" situation and you aren't going to like what I say because it's not the "modern" thing to say, but women always, always, always shoulder the bulk of responsibility for everything in a marriage and in a household. It took a lot of my younger years to figure that out and I was bitter about it for too long and it was a factor in at least one divorce. Once you accept that, then you can appreciate what the men do, rather than get angry at what they didn't do. Another great stress reliever is saying to yourself that the laundry can wait, you can have scrambled eggs for supper sometimes and the dirt police aren't going to show up at your door and notice you didn't mop the floor. Make time for yourself every day to wind down and chill. Simplify what you can and don't try to do it all. It's not worth the stress and honestly, who is there to impress with your sparkling tub when you could have taken a nap. In the meantime, try to be positive, force it if you have to for Keith's sake and he'll come back around. Can't be easy living with a hormone-retarded woman. Ask my husband!
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