 |
| Dawn |
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| Faye and Alice |
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| Jennifer |
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| Sloan |
 |
| Kay |
 |
| Lacee |
 |
| Kayla |
 |
| Steven |
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| Laura and Jenny |
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| Michelle and Ashtyn |
Saturday, April 30, 2011
NIAW: Photos of Hope
This year for NIAW, I offered to make Hope themed bracelets for friends and family who wanted them, free of charge. I expected to make maybe five or six. The response I got was overwhelming, and I ended up making 22 with more requests still coming in! I thought it would be a neat idea to showcase some photos of some supporters wearing their bracelets. Enjoy!
Friday, April 29, 2011
NIAW: Learning and Changing
Things that infertility has taught me:
These are just a few things. Infertility teaches you so much about yourself. Granted, I wish I could've learned these things through something else, but life isn't always easy. Sometimes I feel like it's never easy. But I think the best thing about this is that I am growing, I am learning, I am changing. Hopefully all for the better, but I guess only time will tell. The worst thing about this is feeling alone or like nobody understands you. That's not necessarily true. It's just a matter of finding those people. And I'm so grateful that I've found an amazing group of people who are compassionate, loving, friendly, and understanding. I'm grateful that I have the opportunity to teach my Real Life friends and help them understand how better to support me in this. Infertility never really goes away, but my hope is that we can find some resolution, whether we have biological children, adopt, or decide to live childless, and that we can be happy with our choices.
(I know this blog is really choppy and not very well written, but my attention span is about zero right now. I have a ton of stuff on my mind and it's hard to focus on any one thing for very long. Please forgive the scattered thoughts tonight.)
- Making babies is not always easy.
- Infertility is a disease that causes a lot of stress and heartache.
- There are tons of different kinds of fertility treatments.
- Being infertile is really really expensive!
- Sometimes you hope for the tests to discover something, that way you can get treatment/peace of mind.
- Lots of other men and women are going through this. I'm not alone.
- I now stress over things I never thought I'd stress over.
- I'm way more comfortable discussing periods, uteruses (uteri?), ovaries, etc.
- Also, I will discuss those things with literally just about anyone who will give me the time of day.
- I know more about the female reproductive system than I ever thought possible.
- I know more about my own body than I ever thought possible, even though sometimes I have no idea what it's doing.
- I'm much meaner to some than I would have been before infertility, and nicer to those that I wouldn't have cared much about otherwise.
These are just a few things. Infertility teaches you so much about yourself. Granted, I wish I could've learned these things through something else, but life isn't always easy. Sometimes I feel like it's never easy. But I think the best thing about this is that I am growing, I am learning, I am changing. Hopefully all for the better, but I guess only time will tell. The worst thing about this is feeling alone or like nobody understands you. That's not necessarily true. It's just a matter of finding those people. And I'm so grateful that I've found an amazing group of people who are compassionate, loving, friendly, and understanding. I'm grateful that I have the opportunity to teach my Real Life friends and help them understand how better to support me in this. Infertility never really goes away, but my hope is that we can find some resolution, whether we have biological children, adopt, or decide to live childless, and that we can be happy with our choices.
(I know this blog is really choppy and not very well written, but my attention span is about zero right now. I have a ton of stuff on my mind and it's hard to focus on any one thing for very long. Please forgive the scattered thoughts tonight.)
Thursday, April 28, 2011
NIAW: Emotions and ABCs
Since it's NIAW, I want to make a confession or two. This whole infertility thing makes me feel the worst of the worst in the world of emotions. Anger, Jealousy, Guilt, and yes, even sometimes Hate. I'm gonna give a little bit on why I feel those things at times, but first I would like to say that in this situation, those feelings are completely 100% NORMAL. It would be really hard to deal with infertility without the entire spectrum of emotions, even the bad ones.
Ok, I totally stole this from Al, who stole it from somebody else. I really can't answer some of these questions, but I thought it was fun anyways.
A. Age when you started TTC: 19
B. Baby Dancing or Sex: We has de saixy time, VERY NICE (in a Borat voice)
C. Children wanted: I've always wanted around 3, but at this point, I'd be happy with just one.
D. Dogs/Cats/Fill in Children: Used to have 2 dogs, but they passed away. Now I'm just left with my turtle, 50Cent. He's a red ear box slider, about two years old. I also have my niece and nephew, whom I spoil like crazy any chance I get!
E. Essential Oils/Vitamins/Snake Oils: Vitamins: I take a prenatal, vitex, evening primrose oil, olive leaf extract, garlic, and a b complex. When I'm stressed I use lavender or rose petal body mist and/or enjoy a passion flower lozenge.
F. Fertility Meds I’ve taken: So far just a ton of hormone pills. (estradiol, premarin, provera, and prometrium.) We're getting ready to take clomid, if my period would ever come back.
G. Gain: around 20-25 pounds, twice. Which I've also lost twice.
H. HSG (Hystosalpingogram): Haven't done one yet, but that's one of our next steps. Really gotta check my tubes since I've been diagnosed with PID.
I. Infertile Pet Peeves: Giving me advice or telling me about so-and-so who got pregnant after such-and-such.
J. Job title: Half of the time I'm my husband's helper on our Mrs. Baird's bread route, the other half I'm a stay at home wife. I like the second one better ;)
K. Kid’s names you’re afraid will be taken by the time you can use them: Kennedy Ann for a girl. I freaking love that name and will maim anyone who steals it away.
L. Length of time TTC: 2 years in October.
M. Miscarriages: None that I know of.
N. Number of times you’ve switched OB/GYNS, REs, FSs: I've seen at least 5 Ob/gyns, and about to see a new one.
O. Ovarian quality: I've never had my reserve or anything tested, but my ovaries are all cyst-y.
P. POAS or wait for AF: Generally I'll wait, but I go through my testing phases.
Q. Quote from an obnoxious fertile: basically anything they say regarding being pregnant/having babies/advice they think they need to give me.
S. Sperm: we haven't had a sperm analysis, but that's next in line with the HSG.
T. Time you tried naturally: I guess technically we're still doing the natural thing until I can start clomid. So like a year and a half officially.
U. Uterus quality: Stupid. No really, other than some issues with my endometrium (PID, poor hormone quality) I haven't had any issues diagnosed with my uterus.
V. Vagina: It's ok I guess. Kinda dry due to low estrogens, but there are ways around that.
W. What baby stuff do you already have?: I have several things that I've bought for my niece and nephew's visits. I have spoons, bottles, a bottle brush, sippy cups, a johnny jump up, toys, books, dvds. Nothing in the way of clothes or furniture/big play items. I would, but Keith won't let me buy any! I think you can see my Amazon wish list HERE though. Don't judge!
X. X-tra X-tra Hear all about it! How many people know the ins and outs of our crazy TTC journey?: Basically everyone. We're very open with our struggles. Mainly because I wanted people to know WHY I have such crazy mood swings.
Y. Yearly Exam (do you still go in even though someone sees your lady parts most months?): Yep. I have an appointment on the tenth of next month, actually. It's still important to have a pap smear and breast exam yearly, at least for prevention's sake.
Z. Zits: Unfortunately I've suffered with acne since age ten, even though I didn't get my first period until age 12.
So there ya go, that's me in a nutshell. Kind of, anyways.
- ANGER: Anger is the first thing that comes to mind for me. I'm angry for a lot of reasons, and at a lot of people/higher beings. I'm angry that I have to deal with this, that anyone has to deal with this. It's a woman's natural right to be able to have children, and I feel like it's been snatched away from us. I'm angry that others can get pregnant so easily, and then even angrier when they try to give us advice on how it's done. I'm angry that I have to visit so many doctors just to figure things out. A lot of people say that God gives people babies when they're ready. Ok God, what's up with you giving the crack heads and child abusers babies, huh? We are a well adjusted couple, are we not ready? So yes, I find myself angry with God at times too.
- JEALOUSY: Jealousy is a really tough emotion to deal with. Tougher than Anger I think, because at least with Anger you can get all fired up and let yourself be irrational for a while. With Jealousy, you often get sucked into crappier emotions later on. It's a given that I get jealous of those who conceive easily. Of course I would after trying so hard, right? Sadly, I sometimes even get jealous of those who've had it harder than me. Mostly I'm really happy for them, but at times I find myself wishing it was me with a baby growing inside. I'm not sure if this counts as jealousy, but when people get married or mention wanting a baby, my first thoughts are always "Oh, please don't let them get pregnant and have a baby before me." I know that's pretty selfish, but that's jealousy for you. I'm jealous of those that have felt a baby growing inside them. I'm jealous of the women who get to kiss their babies goodnight and tuck them in. I'm even jealous of the spit up, diapers, late night feedings, and temper tantrums.
- HATE: Hate is a horrible, horrible emotion. I even hear it's a sin. I still can't help myself. I find myself hating mothers who take their children/pregnancy for granted. No, I don't feel sorry for you and your morning sickness. No, I don't feel sorry that you had to deal with a pissed off or fussy toddler all day. I don't feel sorry for you because I want those things and can't have them. I hate to hear people complain about something that I want more than anything in the world. I hate to see young pregnant women smoking or drinking or just plain doing anything that is potentially bad for their baby. Do they not realize that what they are carrying is precious? Do they not realize how many women would kill for that, while they're just throwing it away?
- GUILT: I think I feel Guilt the most often. Probably because it's the follow up emotion to all of the previous. Even though I can't control the way I feel, I know that some of them are really mean or uncalled for. This is where guilt comes in. I know that it's nobody's fault that it's been so hard for us. I know that mothers love their children, and I know they have to put up with a lot. I know all of that, but I still feel Anger, Jealousy, and Hate. I feel bad for feeling those emotions, even though I know they're natural in our situation. I'm trying really hard to work on the way I handle certain things, but it doesn't seem to get any easier. I'm also trying to remember that there is no one "right" way to feel at any given moment. It's a difficult process, to say the least.
----------
Ok, I totally stole this from Al, who stole it from somebody else. I really can't answer some of these questions, but I thought it was fun anyways.
A. Age when you started TTC: 19
B. Baby Dancing or Sex: We has de saixy time, VERY NICE (in a Borat voice)
C. Children wanted: I've always wanted around 3, but at this point, I'd be happy with just one.
D. Dogs/Cats/Fill in Children: Used to have 2 dogs, but they passed away. Now I'm just left with my turtle, 50Cent. He's a red ear box slider, about two years old. I also have my niece and nephew, whom I spoil like crazy any chance I get!
E. Essential Oils/Vitamins/Snake Oils: Vitamins: I take a prenatal, vitex, evening primrose oil, olive leaf extract, garlic, and a b complex. When I'm stressed I use lavender or rose petal body mist and/or enjoy a passion flower lozenge.
F. Fertility Meds I’ve taken: So far just a ton of hormone pills. (estradiol, premarin, provera, and prometrium.) We're getting ready to take clomid, if my period would ever come back.
G. Gain: around 20-25 pounds, twice. Which I've also lost twice.
H. HSG (Hystosalpingogram): Haven't done one yet, but that's one of our next steps. Really gotta check my tubes since I've been diagnosed with PID.
I. Infertile Pet Peeves: Giving me advice or telling me about so-and-so who got pregnant after such-and-such.
J. Job title: Half of the time I'm my husband's helper on our Mrs. Baird's bread route, the other half I'm a stay at home wife. I like the second one better ;)
K. Kid’s names you’re afraid will be taken by the time you can use them: Kennedy Ann for a girl. I freaking love that name and will maim anyone who steals it away.
L. Length of time TTC: 2 years in October.
M. Miscarriages: None that I know of.
N. Number of times you’ve switched OB/GYNS, REs, FSs: I've seen at least 5 Ob/gyns, and about to see a new one.
O. Ovarian quality: I've never had my reserve or anything tested, but my ovaries are all cyst-y.
P. POAS or wait for AF: Generally I'll wait, but I go through my testing phases.
Q. Quote from an obnoxious fertile: basically anything they say regarding being pregnant/having babies/advice they think they need to give me.
S. Sperm: we haven't had a sperm analysis, but that's next in line with the HSG.
T. Time you tried naturally: I guess technically we're still doing the natural thing until I can start clomid. So like a year and a half officially.
U. Uterus quality: Stupid. No really, other than some issues with my endometrium (PID, poor hormone quality) I haven't had any issues diagnosed with my uterus.
V. Vagina: It's ok I guess. Kinda dry due to low estrogens, but there are ways around that.
W. What baby stuff do you already have?: I have several things that I've bought for my niece and nephew's visits. I have spoons, bottles, a bottle brush, sippy cups, a johnny jump up, toys, books, dvds. Nothing in the way of clothes or furniture/big play items. I would, but Keith won't let me buy any! I think you can see my Amazon wish list HERE though. Don't judge!
X. X-tra X-tra Hear all about it! How many people know the ins and outs of our crazy TTC journey?: Basically everyone. We're very open with our struggles. Mainly because I wanted people to know WHY I have such crazy mood swings.
Y. Yearly Exam (do you still go in even though someone sees your lady parts most months?): Yep. I have an appointment on the tenth of next month, actually. It's still important to have a pap smear and breast exam yearly, at least for prevention's sake.
Z. Zits: Unfortunately I've suffered with acne since age ten, even though I didn't get my first period until age 12.
So there ya go, that's me in a nutshell. Kind of, anyways.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Double Whammy!
I know I already posted today, but that was for NIAW. I figured that in this post I could update you all about what's going on with me right now. Lots of TMI stuff ahead.
So as some of you may know, I haven't had a period since mother effin November. I've taken provera twice, once with premarin to build my lining, and still nada. Not very fun. I'm not really sure what to do about it, other than go to the doctor for more tests...
On May tenth, I'm going in for bloodwork. They're doing TSH (thyroid), CMP (tests 14 different things to determine how stuff is functioning), and HgbA1C (hemoglobin something or other to test for insulin resistance/diabetes). Sounds awesome, huh? Actually to me it does. I'm ready for more answers! Especially on the thyroid front. I've been having about a gajillion symptoms of hypothyroidism. Basically most of these plus a couple more obscure ones, like itching all over.
I'm also going in that day for my yearly pap and breast exam. This year the breast exam is REALLY important, because I just found a lump in my poor left boobie! It's about pea sized, hard, and very painful. I think it's what's been making that boobie sore for so long. Righty has some soreness too, but I can't feel anything at the source of that pain, so maybe it's nothing. I'm hoping the lump is from taking hormones or something. I don't really know how this stuff works. I'm not freaking out yet, so all is well.
I'm also gonna ask about an ultrasound on my uterus/ovaries. I forgot to ask when I called about my appointment today. I may try to call back tomorrow to see if they can fit me on on appointment day. Anyways, I just feel that it's really important to make sure I don't have endometrial hyperplasia (extremely thick lining that could lead to cancer) after no period for five months plus premarin for twenty days. Also, I really want to check out the ovaries since they've been giving me some weirdness and pain lately.
Anywho, that's what's going on with my reproductive system at the moment. If anyone is gonna be in Beaumont on Tuesday, May 10, please let me know so that I won't have to be lonely between doctor visits. We could sit at Starbucks or chill at the mall or something. See all you guys later!
So as some of you may know, I haven't had a period since mother effin November. I've taken provera twice, once with premarin to build my lining, and still nada. Not very fun. I'm not really sure what to do about it, other than go to the doctor for more tests...
On May tenth, I'm going in for bloodwork. They're doing TSH (thyroid), CMP (tests 14 different things to determine how stuff is functioning), and HgbA1C (hemoglobin something or other to test for insulin resistance/diabetes). Sounds awesome, huh? Actually to me it does. I'm ready for more answers! Especially on the thyroid front. I've been having about a gajillion symptoms of hypothyroidism. Basically most of these plus a couple more obscure ones, like itching all over.
I'm also going in that day for my yearly pap and breast exam. This year the breast exam is REALLY important, because I just found a lump in my poor left boobie! It's about pea sized, hard, and very painful. I think it's what's been making that boobie sore for so long. Righty has some soreness too, but I can't feel anything at the source of that pain, so maybe it's nothing. I'm hoping the lump is from taking hormones or something. I don't really know how this stuff works. I'm not freaking out yet, so all is well.
I'm also gonna ask about an ultrasound on my uterus/ovaries. I forgot to ask when I called about my appointment today. I may try to call back tomorrow to see if they can fit me on on appointment day. Anyways, I just feel that it's really important to make sure I don't have endometrial hyperplasia (extremely thick lining that could lead to cancer) after no period for five months plus premarin for twenty days. Also, I really want to check out the ovaries since they've been giving me some weirdness and pain lately.
Anywho, that's what's going on with my reproductive system at the moment. If anyone is gonna be in Beaumont on Tuesday, May 10, please let me know so that I won't have to be lonely between doctor visits. We could sit at Starbucks or chill at the mall or something. See all you guys later!
NIAW: Be Aware, Be Very Aware.
Hey guess what? It's National Infertility Awareness Week! I wish I had something amazing to talk about, or some awesome myth to bust, but I suck at life, so I don't. At least not for now anyways.
But I can tell you that in 2009, infertility was classified as a disease. Don't believe me? Let's check out the definition of disease.
dis·ease/diˈzēz/
Noun: A disorder of structure or function in a human, animal, or plant, esp. one that produces specific signs or symptoms or that affects a specific location and is not simply a direct result of physical injury.
Well there you have it. A disorder of a structure or function in a human. In infertiles, that would be our reproductive system. There are tons of causes of infertility, in fact way too many to list here. You can go to Attain Fertility to see just a few.
I challenge all of my readers to do something this week:
But I can tell you that in 2009, infertility was classified as a disease. Don't believe me? Let's check out the definition of disease.
dis·ease/diˈzēz/
Noun: A disorder of structure or function in a human, animal, or plant, esp. one that produces specific signs or symptoms or that affects a specific location and is not simply a direct result of physical injury.
Well there you have it. A disorder of a structure or function in a human. In infertiles, that would be our reproductive system. There are tons of causes of infertility, in fact way too many to list here. You can go to Attain Fertility to see just a few.
I challenge all of my readers to do something this week:
- Fertiles/Those not trying to conceive/Family of Infertiles: Check out these resources from Resolve.org to learn how to support the infertiles in your life.
- Infertiles: Speak up! It's time to be heard! Help us help ourselves by advocating for the recognition, respect, and funding we deserve!
- Those trying to conceive: For those of you trying to conceive (especially those having trouble), or even those of you who aren't, but think you have a problem, I URGE you to seek medical attention. Lots of things can be helped if caught early, and it may also give you peace of mind. You won't regret it!
- A little something for EVERYONE!: Go check out Resolve.org's Bust An Infertility Myth submissions! They're all written by amazing bloggers. Who knows, you might even learn something!
Friday, April 15, 2011
NIAW 4/24 - 4/30; Here's Our Story
I've been thinking about writing this post for almost two weeks now. I still haven't really come up with how I want to put all of it together, or where I should even begin. I guess the beginning would be the best place, wouldn't it?
Let me start off with our ages. I'll be 22 this July, and my husband Keith will be 29 next month. Before you start shaking your heads in disapproval at how young I am or the age difference, I just want to say that marrying Keith was the best decision I have ever made. I've never done anything that feels as right as this does. We've known each other probably since I was about five. My mom and his mom, and my step dad and his step dad, were best friends for years. They still would be if my parents were still around. Apart from a few minor snags here or there, integrating into each other's families was pretty easy since we all already knew each other. This year will make three years together as a couple, and our one year wedding anniversary is this June.
Now that the introductions are over, we can skip to the good part: The baby making, or lack thereof. We moved into our apartment in June of 09. At this point in time, we stop trying to prevent a pregnancy. We figured we could just go with the flow. Relax and let things happen like everyone else. After four months we decided to get a little more serious about it. In October I started charting my basal body temperature to help detect ovulation. That way we could time things a little better and hopefully get lucky. A few cycles went by and I noticed that I wasn't always ovulating. In fact, ovulation seemed pretty rare for me. I didn't understand why. I was healthy. I took my vitamins and did everything right, like a good girl.
Things with my body started getting crazier and crazier. I gained weight and was having my period at shorter intervals and for longer stretches at a time. It got to the point where I had put on thirty pounds in just a few short months, and I was having my period constantly, every single day. I consulted three doctors. They all suggested birth control. It's not what I wanted. I wanted tests. I wanted answers. When the third doctor suggested it, I gave in. Anything to stop this endless cycle. I took the birth control for about three months, with little result. I was still bleeding. It was time to see a new doctor.
By this time, it was May of 2010, and I meant business. I consulted a new doctor two hours away from my home. I loved her immediately, although I was slightly put off when she suggested a different type of birth control pills. Again, I gave in. I thought maybe switching it up would help. She also ordered blood work and a transvaginal ultrasound. It was then that she started to suspect that I had PCOS (PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome). Part of me was glad to have a diagnosis, but part of me was crushed. I knew from research and forums that with this diagnosis, things probably wouldn't get any easier.
A few months went by, some ovulatory, but mostly not. In November of 2010, after trying several different treatments for my endless period, we decided to move forward with a D&C. We hoped to clear things out and start fresh, and run some tests on the samples that were removed. After the D&C, my period stopped for about a week, then returned. It lasted 8 days. I was so glad to feel normal! The results of the tissue sampling came back. They showed that my uterine lining had poor hormone concentrations/quality, and also a diagnosis of Pelvic Inflammatory Disease. Again, not things I was altogether happy to hear, but we were at least glad for some answers.
Since the period right after the D&C seemed pretty normal, we put any further treatment on hold. A few weeks went by, but my period did not return. I waited from November of 2010 to February of this year to see a new doctor, since mine moved out of state. I was reluctant to find someone new. Not only was I hoping for a miracle pregnancy, but I was just so tired of people poking and prodding my not-so-private-anymore areas.
I got with my current doctor in the beginning of February. He confirmed my PCOS diagnosis and prescribed a drug called Provera to help start my period. I took it as directed. I waited and waited. Twenty days went by and still no period. I went back to the doctor. He prescribed Premarin to build up my uterine lining, followed again with Provera to bring on my period. Here I am in April, almost a month after finishing the meds, and still without a period. I go back in soon for more blood work and another ultrasound. It's time to determine if there are other factors causing this. At this point, I don't think I'll be crushed unless it's something totally untreatable. I have high hopes that we'll get this figured out and be able to bring a beautiful child into this world.
Let me start off with our ages. I'll be 22 this July, and my husband Keith will be 29 next month. Before you start shaking your heads in disapproval at how young I am or the age difference, I just want to say that marrying Keith was the best decision I have ever made. I've never done anything that feels as right as this does. We've known each other probably since I was about five. My mom and his mom, and my step dad and his step dad, were best friends for years. They still would be if my parents were still around. Apart from a few minor snags here or there, integrating into each other's families was pretty easy since we all already knew each other. This year will make three years together as a couple, and our one year wedding anniversary is this June.
Now that the introductions are over, we can skip to the good part: The baby making, or lack thereof. We moved into our apartment in June of 09. At this point in time, we stop trying to prevent a pregnancy. We figured we could just go with the flow. Relax and let things happen like everyone else. After four months we decided to get a little more serious about it. In October I started charting my basal body temperature to help detect ovulation. That way we could time things a little better and hopefully get lucky. A few cycles went by and I noticed that I wasn't always ovulating. In fact, ovulation seemed pretty rare for me. I didn't understand why. I was healthy. I took my vitamins and did everything right, like a good girl.
Things with my body started getting crazier and crazier. I gained weight and was having my period at shorter intervals and for longer stretches at a time. It got to the point where I had put on thirty pounds in just a few short months, and I was having my period constantly, every single day. I consulted three doctors. They all suggested birth control. It's not what I wanted. I wanted tests. I wanted answers. When the third doctor suggested it, I gave in. Anything to stop this endless cycle. I took the birth control for about three months, with little result. I was still bleeding. It was time to see a new doctor.
By this time, it was May of 2010, and I meant business. I consulted a new doctor two hours away from my home. I loved her immediately, although I was slightly put off when she suggested a different type of birth control pills. Again, I gave in. I thought maybe switching it up would help. She also ordered blood work and a transvaginal ultrasound. It was then that she started to suspect that I had PCOS (PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome). Part of me was glad to have a diagnosis, but part of me was crushed. I knew from research and forums that with this diagnosis, things probably wouldn't get any easier.
A few months went by, some ovulatory, but mostly not. In November of 2010, after trying several different treatments for my endless period, we decided to move forward with a D&C. We hoped to clear things out and start fresh, and run some tests on the samples that were removed. After the D&C, my period stopped for about a week, then returned. It lasted 8 days. I was so glad to feel normal! The results of the tissue sampling came back. They showed that my uterine lining had poor hormone concentrations/quality, and also a diagnosis of Pelvic Inflammatory Disease. Again, not things I was altogether happy to hear, but we were at least glad for some answers.
Since the period right after the D&C seemed pretty normal, we put any further treatment on hold. A few weeks went by, but my period did not return. I waited from November of 2010 to February of this year to see a new doctor, since mine moved out of state. I was reluctant to find someone new. Not only was I hoping for a miracle pregnancy, but I was just so tired of people poking and prodding my not-so-private-anymore areas.
I got with my current doctor in the beginning of February. He confirmed my PCOS diagnosis and prescribed a drug called Provera to help start my period. I took it as directed. I waited and waited. Twenty days went by and still no period. I went back to the doctor. He prescribed Premarin to build up my uterine lining, followed again with Provera to bring on my period. Here I am in April, almost a month after finishing the meds, and still without a period. I go back in soon for more blood work and another ultrasound. It's time to determine if there are other factors causing this. At this point, I don't think I'll be crushed unless it's something totally untreatable. I have high hopes that we'll get this figured out and be able to bring a beautiful child into this world.
I know that our journey hasn't been as difficult as some. I know we haven't been through the extensive treatments that a lot of people have. But that doesn't make it any easier. Infertility is hard for everyone involved, no matter what the situation is. You watch friends and family have baby after baby. You see endless announcements and pictures everywhere you turn. I think the saddest part is that people don't know what to say to those struggling with infertility, and feelings end up getting hurt. That's just one reason a lot of men and women choose to suffer in silence.
Yes, you read right. They CHOOSE silence. I believe that for a lot, silence is a choice made for many different reasons. Because of this, infertility is a subject on which the general populace is poorly educated. If you're one of my many infertile readers, this year in honor of National Infertility Awareness Week, it's time to stand up and be heard. Let's remove the stigma and get infertility the recognition and research it deserves! For those of you who are not part of the Infertile community, take the time to honor us by checking out sites like Resolve.org to learn how to support those of us who need you by our sides. There's no better time than now!
Friday, April 8, 2011
Am I Inferior?
That is the question that was going through my head last night.
A twitter friend made a comment stating that she felt she and a friend who has been TTC for about a year with some difficulty are not in the same boat. Why did she feel that way? Because her friend hasn't been through ART (assisted reproductive technology, meaning inseminations, injections, in vitro fertilization, etc.). She said she didn't feel very sorry for her.
What?
Let me fill you in. Infertility is defined as the inability to conceive within the time frame of one year (or six months if the woman is 35 or older), or the inability to carry pregnancy to full term. Seems to me like her friend is right on the threshold. But it got me thinking. And then I got upset.
Do you mean to tell me that even though we've been doing this for two years, even though we've already spent what amounts to thousands of dollars, even though it's one of the hardest, most heart breaking things we've had to endure as a couple, that our struggles, our pain, our tears are all of lesser importance than someone who has been through ART? Do you mean to tell me that you don't even consider me a true infertile because I've never had to inject myself with hormones?
First off, I didn't even realize that this mind set existed. I guess I can see how some selfish, uncompassionate person would believe that. Secondly, I'm not sure how anyone could think such a thing. Wasn't there a point in their journey where they were just like me? Certainly they didn't start off with IVF, right? There had to be a time when they were just figuring the infertility world out, right? Surely at the beginning they felt awful and desperate, two emotions that seem to stick with you on this journey. I'm sure that if someone would've said something along the lines of what was said last night, it would've hurt them too.
I honestly don't believe that it's fair to write me and my emotions off just because I have not reached a certain point in treatments. This hurt, this pain, this struggle that we're enduring is real. Just like anyone's. It's not right for someone to trivialize someone else's pain and suffering based on something like that. It just isn't.
I guess I've learned a few good lessons though. "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt said that. I never really understood it until now. Why should I let a comment like that make me feel like what I'm going through doesn't matter? The truth is that I shouldn't. I went to bed feeling like crap. Feeling about ten inches tall. But I woke up this morning with new resolve. I do matter. Our journey matters. Even if it's only important or real to us, that's all that counts. What someone else thinks isn't important and I shouldn't let it get me down. I don't need someone else to validate that what I am feeling is real.
Another great lesson I've learned is that I have a choice in the kind of people I surround myself with. I refuse to put myself in a position where I am forced to deal with someone who upsets me to the point of anger and tears. At this point, it's not what I want or need. I need friends who are of a supportive mindset all the way, one hundred percent. I obviously was not receiving that from this person. So I decided to let that friendship go. I think it was a wise decision.
We're all created equal. We all bleed red. We all cry. We all feel pain. End of story.
A twitter friend made a comment stating that she felt she and a friend who has been TTC for about a year with some difficulty are not in the same boat. Why did she feel that way? Because her friend hasn't been through ART (assisted reproductive technology, meaning inseminations, injections, in vitro fertilization, etc.). She said she didn't feel very sorry for her.
What?
Let me fill you in. Infertility is defined as the inability to conceive within the time frame of one year (or six months if the woman is 35 or older), or the inability to carry pregnancy to full term. Seems to me like her friend is right on the threshold. But it got me thinking. And then I got upset.
Do you mean to tell me that even though we've been doing this for two years, even though we've already spent what amounts to thousands of dollars, even though it's one of the hardest, most heart breaking things we've had to endure as a couple, that our struggles, our pain, our tears are all of lesser importance than someone who has been through ART? Do you mean to tell me that you don't even consider me a true infertile because I've never had to inject myself with hormones?
First off, I didn't even realize that this mind set existed. I guess I can see how some selfish, uncompassionate person would believe that. Secondly, I'm not sure how anyone could think such a thing. Wasn't there a point in their journey where they were just like me? Certainly they didn't start off with IVF, right? There had to be a time when they were just figuring the infertility world out, right? Surely at the beginning they felt awful and desperate, two emotions that seem to stick with you on this journey. I'm sure that if someone would've said something along the lines of what was said last night, it would've hurt them too.
I honestly don't believe that it's fair to write me and my emotions off just because I have not reached a certain point in treatments. This hurt, this pain, this struggle that we're enduring is real. Just like anyone's. It's not right for someone to trivialize someone else's pain and suffering based on something like that. It just isn't.
I guess I've learned a few good lessons though. "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt said that. I never really understood it until now. Why should I let a comment like that make me feel like what I'm going through doesn't matter? The truth is that I shouldn't. I went to bed feeling like crap. Feeling about ten inches tall. But I woke up this morning with new resolve. I do matter. Our journey matters. Even if it's only important or real to us, that's all that counts. What someone else thinks isn't important and I shouldn't let it get me down. I don't need someone else to validate that what I am feeling is real.
Another great lesson I've learned is that I have a choice in the kind of people I surround myself with. I refuse to put myself in a position where I am forced to deal with someone who upsets me to the point of anger and tears. At this point, it's not what I want or need. I need friends who are of a supportive mindset all the way, one hundred percent. I obviously was not receiving that from this person. So I decided to let that friendship go. I think it was a wise decision.
We're all created equal. We all bleed red. We all cry. We all feel pain. End of story.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Obsessive.
Ok, so the Infertile Community is in an uproar today. Apparently in "honor" of National Infertility Awareness week, which is later this month, PETA is giving away a free vasectomy to a man who gets his pet spayed or neutered. I will agree that this is poor judgement on PETA's part. But it's literally all I've been reading about today. Some are even saying that it's set us back from the progress we've made as a community in bringing infertility to light and gaining support from others.
But how far have we really come? Tons of infertiles blog anonymously, tweet anonymously. Hell, they don't even talk to their friends or family about infertility. How is that progress? How can we spread the word if we can't bring ourselves to be open about it? Keeping quiet and being afraid is not helping our cause. And now everyone is angry over this PETA thing, and I'm sure to people outside of our little community it seems very sudden. How is it fair to be so vocal and angry about something if we can't even tell people why? I'll tell you: it's not.
Maybe if we were more open about our issues and feelings towards them, then PETA would've known how awful and mean this giveaway would appear to some of us. People will always be stepping on our toes if we don't muster up the courage to be vocal. Every little bit helps. The more people are exposed to an issue, the more they become educated about it. So let's break out of our little shells and get to educating so things like this will stop happening.
Before anyone leaves any preachy comments, I'd like to say that I'm very open with everyone in my life about my infertility and feelings. Personally, I don't really care much about the PETA thing. It's probably just a PR stunt and those who are being obsessively angry about it are just feeding their fires and giving them exactly what they want. In fact, just this blog will get them google searches and subsequent pageviews. I'm not saying the best way to solve this problem is to ignore it, but there comes a point when things just get a bit repetitive. Nobody enjoys when people repeat themselves all day.
But how far have we really come? Tons of infertiles blog anonymously, tweet anonymously. Hell, they don't even talk to their friends or family about infertility. How is that progress? How can we spread the word if we can't bring ourselves to be open about it? Keeping quiet and being afraid is not helping our cause. And now everyone is angry over this PETA thing, and I'm sure to people outside of our little community it seems very sudden. How is it fair to be so vocal and angry about something if we can't even tell people why? I'll tell you: it's not.
Maybe if we were more open about our issues and feelings towards them, then PETA would've known how awful and mean this giveaway would appear to some of us. People will always be stepping on our toes if we don't muster up the courage to be vocal. Every little bit helps. The more people are exposed to an issue, the more they become educated about it. So let's break out of our little shells and get to educating so things like this will stop happening.
Before anyone leaves any preachy comments, I'd like to say that I'm very open with everyone in my life about my infertility and feelings. Personally, I don't really care much about the PETA thing. It's probably just a PR stunt and those who are being obsessively angry about it are just feeding their fires and giving them exactly what they want. In fact, just this blog will get them google searches and subsequent pageviews. I'm not saying the best way to solve this problem is to ignore it, but there comes a point when things just get a bit repetitive. Nobody enjoys when people repeat themselves all day.
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In other, lighter news, I've given up calorie counting. I was getting too obsessive and it was starting to control me. I'll still be good and eat like I should and work out and stuff, but I'm putting My Fitness Pal on the back burner for a little while. For anyone reading this, it truly is a great program that helped me lose over ten pounds, I can just get a little Type A at times.
Today was an amazing day off from work. I managed to feel content and relaxed all day, even though I also cleaned the whole apartment. I don't know how that works, but I won't argue with it.
We've been watching a ridiculous amount of anime lately. I blame Netflix Instant for getting an all anime section. First we watched Sekirei, which had a great plot and storyline, but the girls all had stupidly big breasts. Now we're watching Corpse Princess: Shikabane Hime. We're halfway through the second season, which is also the last season. It's pretty dang good. Also slightly creepy. I also started a show today called Black Butler. It's different, but I think if I watch a couple more episodes I'll really get into it.
Anyways, that's all for now. I'll see y'all later.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
See This?
I'm blogging, WOOHOO! Sorry it took so long. It's mainly because I suck.
In the time between now and my last blog, we went camping. That's about it. Oh, and I had my last day at work. Did I start my period? No. That would be good luck, and I really don't think I'm allowed to have any of that.
So, camping. It was pretty fun. We didn't really do much. Just relax, have a fire, eat bad food, fishing. Oh, and sleeping in a tent, which basically means we slept outside. But I looooove it! The campsite has a shower, and while I didn't pack any soap, we still hopped in to rinse the Off! off of us. Yes, together. Minimal sexiness, I assure you. But anyways, since my hair was wet, I froze my booty off all freaking night. So I awoke every few hours, cold and sore (from the air mattress). Once it got light out, it turned warm enough to actually get some decent sleep. So I put the covers over my head and slept in. Keith got up early, but joined me a bit later and he slept in with me as well. And in case you're wondering, we didn't catch any fish. Still fun and relaxing though.
Let me ask you this: do you shave your arms? I don't. But sometimes, I look at my arms and think "Ok, fuck this hair. It has to go." But then I think about it and realize that I'm entirely too lazy and have no fucks left to give about keeping up with shaving my arms. I already don't shave enough. In fact, I mentioned to Keith that I shaved Friday night. He said "Yeah, I know. I got up and took a shower. You forgot to rinse the tub. It looked like you shaved a cat in there." .....I guess you could say that. Anyways, I seem to have hair everywhere. Sometimes I wish I was rich enough to go somewhere and have laser hair removal on my entire body, except for my eyebrows and head. It would be amazing. Maybe someday after I win the lottery, if I have money left over from fixing my uterus and then I'll get all of my hair lasered off.
Tomorrow is Big Cycle Day 140. 140 days since I started my last period. 132 days since I finished my last period. I know it sounds great to some of you, but it's so depressing for me. How can I take my fertility meds if I don't have a period? Let me tell you: I can't. And this is after I've taken Provera, which failed the first time, then Premarin to build a lining, then Provera again, and it STILL failed. Or is failing. I don't know. I'm 10 days past my last day of Provera and I'm not happy. Not even one tiny speck. I've been wearing panty liners when I leave the house. I suspect it's just a waste of money. How is it possible to take meds to FORCE a period and it still doesn't come? I don't really know. I'm starting to worry that something got messed up during the D&C. Like what if there's scarring blocking the opening of my cervix or something? I don't even know if that's possible, but I know it would be bad. I'll wait a few more days, then call my doctor. He said if it doesn't work this time that he'll do blood work, which is good. But this time I'm going to push for an ultrasound. I have to know what's going on in there, and I won't stand for his laziness this time. I wish there was a better doctor around here that deals with infertility, but there isn't. I'd have to travel an hour or more.
I just don't know how much longer I can deal with this. Not just the no period thing. All of it. I don't understand how some of you have gone longer than I have and stayed sane. Infertility is killing me slowly. As a woman, it's probably one of the worst things to deal with mentally and physically. People don't understand that. You watch everyone around you get pregnant and have babies. And you think "Surely I'm next." But then those babies turn one, and then two. And you're still childless. Still yearning. Still aching. Questioning your worth as a woman. How is it fair that the one thing you want more than anything in the world is so unattainable? I wish people would put themselves in our position, really imagine it. Imagine yourself having a medical condition that prevents you from having children. Imagine the stress it puts on your life, your marriage, your bank account, your sanity. Imagine the countless hours you spend yearning, the tears you shed, the hurt and jealousy, and subsequent guilt, you feel. Now imagine everyone telling you to relax and stop stressing. Imagine them telling you about so-and-so who did such-and-such and got pregnant. Imagine them forcing advice and stories on you constantly. Even on your best days it terrible. If other people could just take the time out to really try and put themselves in our shoes for just one minute, surely they would understand, or at least begin to. Surely they would realize that there are some things that you just shouldn't say, and times when all you can do is be a friend or a shoulder to cry on. That's all we're asking for.
In the time between now and my last blog, we went camping. That's about it. Oh, and I had my last day at work. Did I start my period? No. That would be good luck, and I really don't think I'm allowed to have any of that.
So, camping. It was pretty fun. We didn't really do much. Just relax, have a fire, eat bad food, fishing. Oh, and sleeping in a tent, which basically means we slept outside. But I looooove it! The campsite has a shower, and while I didn't pack any soap, we still hopped in to rinse the Off! off of us. Yes, together. Minimal sexiness, I assure you. But anyways, since my hair was wet, I froze my booty off all freaking night. So I awoke every few hours, cold and sore (from the air mattress). Once it got light out, it turned warm enough to actually get some decent sleep. So I put the covers over my head and slept in. Keith got up early, but joined me a bit later and he slept in with me as well. And in case you're wondering, we didn't catch any fish. Still fun and relaxing though.
Let me ask you this: do you shave your arms? I don't. But sometimes, I look at my arms and think "Ok, fuck this hair. It has to go." But then I think about it and realize that I'm entirely too lazy and have no fucks left to give about keeping up with shaving my arms. I already don't shave enough. In fact, I mentioned to Keith that I shaved Friday night. He said "Yeah, I know. I got up and took a shower. You forgot to rinse the tub. It looked like you shaved a cat in there." .....I guess you could say that. Anyways, I seem to have hair everywhere. Sometimes I wish I was rich enough to go somewhere and have laser hair removal on my entire body, except for my eyebrows and head. It would be amazing. Maybe someday after I win the lottery, if I have money left over from fixing my uterus and then I'll get all of my hair lasered off.
Tomorrow is Big Cycle Day 140. 140 days since I started my last period. 132 days since I finished my last period. I know it sounds great to some of you, but it's so depressing for me. How can I take my fertility meds if I don't have a period? Let me tell you: I can't. And this is after I've taken Provera, which failed the first time, then Premarin to build a lining, then Provera again, and it STILL failed. Or is failing. I don't know. I'm 10 days past my last day of Provera and I'm not happy. Not even one tiny speck. I've been wearing panty liners when I leave the house. I suspect it's just a waste of money. How is it possible to take meds to FORCE a period and it still doesn't come? I don't really know. I'm starting to worry that something got messed up during the D&C. Like what if there's scarring blocking the opening of my cervix or something? I don't even know if that's possible, but I know it would be bad. I'll wait a few more days, then call my doctor. He said if it doesn't work this time that he'll do blood work, which is good. But this time I'm going to push for an ultrasound. I have to know what's going on in there, and I won't stand for his laziness this time. I wish there was a better doctor around here that deals with infertility, but there isn't. I'd have to travel an hour or more.
I just don't know how much longer I can deal with this. Not just the no period thing. All of it. I don't understand how some of you have gone longer than I have and stayed sane. Infertility is killing me slowly. As a woman, it's probably one of the worst things to deal with mentally and physically. People don't understand that. You watch everyone around you get pregnant and have babies. And you think "Surely I'm next." But then those babies turn one, and then two. And you're still childless. Still yearning. Still aching. Questioning your worth as a woman. How is it fair that the one thing you want more than anything in the world is so unattainable? I wish people would put themselves in our position, really imagine it. Imagine yourself having a medical condition that prevents you from having children. Imagine the stress it puts on your life, your marriage, your bank account, your sanity. Imagine the countless hours you spend yearning, the tears you shed, the hurt and jealousy, and subsequent guilt, you feel. Now imagine everyone telling you to relax and stop stressing. Imagine them telling you about so-and-so who did such-and-such and got pregnant. Imagine them forcing advice and stories on you constantly. Even on your best days it terrible. If other people could just take the time out to really try and put themselves in our shoes for just one minute, surely they would understand, or at least begin to. Surely they would realize that there are some things that you just shouldn't say, and times when all you can do is be a friend or a shoulder to cry on. That's all we're asking for.
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