That is the question that was going through my head last night.
A twitter friend made a comment stating that she felt she and a friend who has been TTC for about a year with some difficulty are not in the same boat. Why did she feel that way? Because her friend hasn't been through ART (assisted reproductive technology, meaning inseminations, injections, in vitro fertilization, etc.). She said she didn't feel very sorry for her.
What?
Let me fill you in. Infertility is defined as the inability to conceive within the time frame of one year (or six months if the woman is 35 or older), or the inability to carry pregnancy to full term. Seems to me like her friend is right on the threshold. But it got me thinking. And then I got upset.
Do you mean to tell me that even though we've been doing this for two years, even though we've already spent what amounts to thousands of dollars, even though it's one of the hardest, most heart breaking things we've had to endure as a couple, that our struggles, our pain, our tears are all of lesser importance than someone who has been through ART? Do you mean to tell me that you don't even consider me a true infertile because I've never had to inject myself with hormones?
First off, I didn't even realize that this mind set existed. I guess I can see how some selfish, uncompassionate person would believe that. Secondly, I'm not sure how anyone could think such a thing. Wasn't there a point in their journey where they were just like me? Certainly they didn't start off with IVF, right? There had to be a time when they were just figuring the infertility world out, right? Surely at the beginning they felt awful and desperate, two emotions that seem to stick with you on this journey. I'm sure that if someone would've said something along the lines of what was said last night, it would've hurt them too.
I honestly don't believe that it's fair to write me and my emotions off just because I have not reached a certain point in treatments. This hurt, this pain, this struggle that we're enduring is real. Just like anyone's. It's not right for someone to trivialize someone else's pain and suffering based on something like that. It just isn't.
I guess I've learned a few good lessons though. "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt said that. I never really understood it until now. Why should I let a comment like that make me feel like what I'm going through doesn't matter? The truth is that I shouldn't. I went to bed feeling like crap. Feeling about ten inches tall. But I woke up this morning with new resolve. I do matter. Our journey matters. Even if it's only important or real to us, that's all that counts. What someone else thinks isn't important and I shouldn't let it get me down. I don't need someone else to validate that what I am feeling is real.
Another great lesson I've learned is that I have a choice in the kind of people I surround myself with. I refuse to put myself in a position where I am forced to deal with someone who upsets me to the point of anger and tears. At this point, it's not what I want or need. I need friends who are of a supportive mindset all the way, one hundred percent. I obviously was not receiving that from this person. So I decided to let that friendship go. I think it was a wise decision.
We're all created equal. We all bleed red. We all cry. We all feel pain. End of story.
i have to tell you that we have been trying for almost 6 years and of all the pain ive felt, those first 2 years or so were the worst of it. when i still thought we could conceive every month and we were let down EVERY month. it's not easy. as the years pass and i learned more about my condition and what i needed to do to conceive, i felt as if i got a little bit of control back.
ReplyDeletesometimes i feel lucky (!) to have a diagnosis. so many girls and guys have unexplained infertility and i can't imagine how out of control and sad that must feel.
i can only tell you that you are living through the worst of IF right now. don't let anyone tell you different. the good news is that it does get easier and you will get stronger.
xoxo
lis
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
ReplyDeleteIs perfect.
Now, I keep up with your blog, but I usually dont comment, but this one fired me up.
The thing is, infertility is starting to sem more common to me than it used to, and I think that no matter what stages youre in or whatever, you should all band together.Its gotta be hard! So why oust someone when regardless, youre still in the same boat.
I dunno Krissy. I really pray it all works out for you. I really do.
Thank you, Lis. I have a PCOS diagnosis so far. I'm going back soon for more tests. I really feel like once we get everything figured out, I'll feel relieved to at least know what's wrong with me. You're right. These first two years have been hard for lots of reasons. You spend each cycle building up hope, then it gets dashed to bits. I really hope it gets a little easier like you say.
ReplyDeleteSam, infertility is pretty common. You don't hear about it much though because a lot of people are either very private, or scared, or even ashamed. This situation hasn't been very common for me. Usually my twitter girls are my biggest support group and we all stick together through ups and downs. To me infertility is infertility. It all sucks. It's all hard. No matter what condition you have or what treatments you've done. Anyways, I'm just glad that everybody else has been so great, otherwise this incident might've had me down for days. Things will work out for us eventually, whether we have a biological baby or adopt. Thank you :)
There's a tendency for infertile women to brag about their battle scars and thus assume that one person's battle is somehow more epic than someone else's. I simply do not subscribe to this reasoning. Just because someone has had more miscarriages than someone else... is their grief more important? Just because someone has sunk tens of thousands of dollars into fertility treatments, does that make their grief more? Our grief is totally based on how emotionally invested we are in our fertility battles and the social pressures/motivators driving us. People who talk to me might think that my fertility battles haven't been that serious because I'm not a "bat shit crazy" infertile woman who cries every night, curses her ovaries, and is in a constant state of despair. Our battles with fertility are all unique and as far as I'm concerned.... equally tragic. I've been trying to get pregnant for 5 years... but I don't feel like I'm in a different league from someone else who might be in their second year of TTC.
ReplyDeleteInfertility sucks, and whether you are dealing with the pain from a burst ovarian cyst, dealing with swollen ovaries from IVF, or battling uncontrolled bleeding, it's all hard. I went through IVF, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone... we should be making people feel like they have to experience every infertility treatment to somehow belong to a group of uuber infertile women. We're all on a mission - can't that be enough?
correction: we should NOT be making people feel like they have to experience every infertility treatment to somehow belong to a group of uuber infertile women.
ReplyDeletenicely stated. I'll add that men feel a serious dose of inferiority dealing with all this ridiculousness... because, after all (insert image of Gorilla beating chest) isn't that what we're here to do - make babies? It was so consuming, I decided to write a book about it. Maybe it will resonate... http://amzn.to/dWUhe0
ReplyDelete