NIAW: Emotions and ABCs

Since it's NIAW, I want to make a confession or two. This whole infertility thing makes me feel the worst of the worst in the world of emotions. Anger, Jealousy, Guilt, and yes, even sometimes Hate. I'm gonna give a little bit on why I feel those things at times, but first I would like to say that in this situation, those feelings are completely 100% NORMAL. It would be really hard to deal with infertility without the entire spectrum of emotions, even the bad ones.

• ANGER: Anger is the first thing that comes to mind for me. I'm angry for a lot of reasons, and at a lot of people/higher beings. I'm angry that I have to deal with this, that anyone has to deal with this. It's a woman's natural right to be able to have children, and I feel like it's been snatched away from us. I'm angry that others can get pregnant so easily, and then even angrier when they try to give us advice on how it's done. I'm angry that I have to visit so many doctors just to figure things out. A lot of people say that God gives people babies when they're ready. Ok God, what's up with you giving the crack heads and child abusers babies, huh? We are a well adjusted couple, are we not ready? So yes, I find myself angry with God at times too.
• JEALOUSY: Jealousy is a really tough emotion to deal with. Tougher than Anger I think, because at least with Anger you can get all fired up and let yourself be irrational for a while. With Jealousy, you often get sucked into crappier emotions later on. It's a given that I get jealous of those who conceive easily. Of course I would after trying so hard, right? Sadly, I sometimes even get jealous of those who've had it harder than me. Mostly I'm really happy for them, but at times I find myself wishing it was me with a baby growing inside. I'm not sure if this counts as jealousy, but when people get married or mention wanting a baby, my first thoughts are always "Oh, please don't let them get pregnant and have a baby before me." I know that's pretty selfish, but that's jealousy for you. I'm jealous of those that have felt a baby growing inside them. I'm jealous of the women who get to kiss their babies goodnight and tuck them in. I'm even jealous of the spit up, diapers, late night feedings, and temper tantrums.
• HATE: Hate is a horrible, horrible emotion. I even hear it's a sin. I still can't help myself. I find myself hating mothers who take their children/pregnancy for granted. No, I don't feel sorry for you and your morning sickness. No, I don't feel sorry that you had to deal with a pissed off or fussy toddler all day. I don't feel sorry for you because I want those things and can't have them. I hate to hear people complain about something that I want more than anything in the world. I hate to see young pregnant women smoking or drinking or just plain doing anything that is potentially bad for their baby. Do they not realize that what they are carrying is precious? Do they not realize how many women would kill for that, while they're just throwing it away?
• GUILT: I think I feel Guilt the most often. Probably because it's the follow up emotion to all of the previous. Even though I can't control the way I feel, I know that some of them are really mean or uncalled for. This is where guilt comes in. I know that it's nobody's fault that it's been so hard for us. I know that mothers love their children, and I know they have to put up with a lot. I know all of that, but I still feel Anger, Jealousy, and Hate. I feel bad for feeling those emotions, even though I know they're natural in our situation. I'm trying really hard to work on the way I handle certain things, but it doesn't seem to get any easier. I'm also trying to remember that there is no one "right" way to feel at any given moment. It's a difficult process, to say the least.

These are just a few emotions that we all must process, sometimes on a daily basis. The good news is that we also experience tons of good emotions, too. Hope, Happiness, Excitement, Love, and Friendship are just a few. Try not to judge us too harshly on our bad days. We're human just like you and sometimes we just can't help it.

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Ok, I totally stole this from Al, who stole it from somebody else. I really can't answer some of these questions, but I thought it was fun anyways.


A. Age when you started TTC: 19

B. Baby Dancing or Sex: We has de saixy time, VERY NICE (in a Borat voice)

C. Children wanted: I've always wanted around 3, but at this point, I'd be happy with just one.

D. Dogs/Cats/Fill in Children: Used to have 2 dogs, but they passed away. Now I'm just left with my turtle, 50Cent. He's a red ear box slider, about two years old. I also have my niece and nephew, whom I spoil like crazy any chance I get!

E. Essential Oils/Vitamins/Snake Oils: Vitamins: I take a prenatal, vitex, evening primrose oil, olive leaf extract, garlic, and a b complex. When I'm stressed I use lavender or rose petal body mist and/or enjoy a  passion flower lozenge.

F. Fertility Meds I’ve taken: So far just a ton of hormone pills. (estradiol, premarin, provera, and prometrium.) We're getting ready to take clomid, if my period would ever come back.

G. Gain: around 20-25 pounds, twice. Which I've also lost twice.

H. HSG (Hystosalpingogram): Haven't done one yet, but that's one of our next steps. Really gotta check my tubes since I've been diagnosed with PID.

I. Infertile Pet Peeves: Giving me advice or telling me about so-and-so who got pregnant after such-and-such.

J. Job title: Half of the time I'm my husband's helper on our Mrs. Baird's bread route, the other half I'm a stay at home wife. I like the second one better ;)

K. Kid’s names you’re afraid will be taken by the time you can use them: Kennedy Ann for a girl. I freaking love that name and will maim anyone who steals it away.

L. Length of time TTC: 2 years in October.

M. Miscarriages: None that I know of.

N. Number of times you’ve switched OB/GYNS, REs, FSs: I've seen at least 5 Ob/gyns, and about to see a new one.

O. Ovarian quality: I've never had my reserve or anything tested, but my ovaries are all cyst-y.

P. POAS or wait for AF: Generally I'll wait, but I go through my testing phases.

Q. Quote from an obnoxious fertile: basically anything they say regarding being pregnant/having babies/advice they think they need to give me.

S. Sperm: we haven't had a sperm analysis, but that's next in line with the HSG.

T. Time you tried naturally: I guess technically we're still doing the natural thing until I can start clomid. So like a year and a half officially.

U. Uterus quality: Stupid. No really, other than some issues with my endometrium (PID, poor hormone quality) I haven't had any issues diagnosed with my uterus.

V. Vagina: It's ok I guess. Kinda dry due to low estrogens, but there are ways around that.

W. What baby stuff do you already have?: I have several things that I've bought for my niece and nephew's visits. I have spoons, bottles, a bottle brush, sippy cups, a johnny jump up, toys, books, dvds. Nothing in the way of clothes or furniture/big play items. I would, but Keith won't let me buy any! I think you can see my Amazon wish list HERE though. Don't judge!

X. X-tra X-tra Hear all about it! How many people know the ins and outs of our crazy TTC journey?: Basically everyone. We're very open with our struggles. Mainly because I wanted people to know WHY I have such crazy mood swings.

Y. Yearly Exam (do you still go in even though someone sees your lady parts most months?): Yep. I have an appointment on the tenth of next month, actually. It's still important to have a pap smear and breast exam yearly, at least for prevention's sake.

Z. Zits: Unfortunately I've suffered with acne since age ten, even though I didn't get my first period until age 12.

So there ya go, that's me in a nutshell. Kind of, anyways.