Seriously, the best show Starz has ever come out with! We've watched 11 of the hour long episodes over the course of like two days. Only two episodes to go and then we'll have to wait for the next season on Neflix. I read that it's actually a prequel because the man who plays Spartacus has cancer and is undergoing treatment. I hope he can recover and spend time with his family, and maybe someday, if he feels up to it, continue the series.
That's why I really didn't post yesterday. We spent five and a half hours straight parked in front of the tv. So worth it. I'm currently in the process of building up our DVD queue so they can start sending us those as well. Cancelling cable and getting Netflix was an amazing decision!
Keith and I spent the day working, and then afterwards just ranted about things and people that piss us off. All bread route related, of course. Some people are just horribly lazy and it's so irritating to have to deal with it on a daily basis. Hopefully things will get better very soon. Otherwise I'll explode and go crazy on someone.
Really really ready for my appointment next Monday. Still no period here, unfortunately.
Anyways, I really don't have much else to talk about. Just wanted to let you all know that I'm still around! Later gators.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Misunderstood
About my post yesterday, I just want to say that I didn't mean to hurt anyone's feelings or offend anyone. I wasn't trying to point fingers or put anyone into any "categories." I just needed a place to get those feelings out. I'm sorry if it hurt anyone, but it's how I feel.
Yes, I feel like there are a lot of things that I can't talk about with most people because they just won't "get" it. Is there anything I can do about this? No. Probably not. Am I just being stubborn? I don't think I am. There are some situations which I feel like it would be hard for people to relate to unless they've been through it, or some situations/conversations that would make people feel uncomfortable. Also, I feel like some people just would not know what to say. I realize that people are coming from a good place when they try to give any advice or comfort, but again, it's hard to do that if you've never been in the situation, so it isn't very comforting or helpful at all.
Yes, I do feel like I'm drifting away from people and becoming more withdrawn. Can anything be done about it? Sure. But I also don't want what I said on Facebook or in my blog to make anyone feel guilty and come visit. I don't want that. It would feel like a pity visit, even if they didn't see it that way. Of course I would love a visit, but I'd like it to be because someone made time for me out of their own volition. Not because of something I said or wrote.
To further clarify what I meant in yesterday's post, I don't want to get rid of my old friends. I don't want to meet someone exactly like me. I just want to have a friend closer to my age, who understands what I'm going through, who also lives near me. Someone who can just hop in the car and be here in 15 minutes or less.
I would love to keep my old friends and make new ones. I just feel like I'm going through kind of a tough time right now, and I'm getting stressed, and it's hard to keep myself going from day to day and maintain relationships. But I'm trying. Even if we have the barrier of different goals and priorities, I'm still trying.
There are other things I want to say, but I think I'll keep them to myself since they're a little personal and specific.
Anyways, that's it for the night. I'm kind of upset that I felt the need to explain myself further on this matter, but I did.
Yes, I feel like there are a lot of things that I can't talk about with most people because they just won't "get" it. Is there anything I can do about this? No. Probably not. Am I just being stubborn? I don't think I am. There are some situations which I feel like it would be hard for people to relate to unless they've been through it, or some situations/conversations that would make people feel uncomfortable. Also, I feel like some people just would not know what to say. I realize that people are coming from a good place when they try to give any advice or comfort, but again, it's hard to do that if you've never been in the situation, so it isn't very comforting or helpful at all.
Yes, I do feel like I'm drifting away from people and becoming more withdrawn. Can anything be done about it? Sure. But I also don't want what I said on Facebook or in my blog to make anyone feel guilty and come visit. I don't want that. It would feel like a pity visit, even if they didn't see it that way. Of course I would love a visit, but I'd like it to be because someone made time for me out of their own volition. Not because of something I said or wrote.
To further clarify what I meant in yesterday's post, I don't want to get rid of my old friends. I don't want to meet someone exactly like me. I just want to have a friend closer to my age, who understands what I'm going through, who also lives near me. Someone who can just hop in the car and be here in 15 minutes or less.
I would love to keep my old friends and make new ones. I just feel like I'm going through kind of a tough time right now, and I'm getting stressed, and it's hard to keep myself going from day to day and maintain relationships. But I'm trying. Even if we have the barrier of different goals and priorities, I'm still trying.
There are other things I want to say, but I think I'll keep them to myself since they're a little personal and specific.
Anyways, that's it for the night. I'm kind of upset that I felt the need to explain myself further on this matter, but I did.
Friday, January 28, 2011
The Island of Misfit Infertiles
Ok, so maybe not an island. Whatever.
Anyways, I tweeted earlier about how Keith has been constantly asking me these past couple days if/when I'm gonna hang out with my friend Kellie from work again. And will she hang out with us Saturday, and next time you go to Beaumont, and blah blah blah, KELLIE!
I began to suspect that either he's desperate for me to make friends or he thinks she's cute. I was kinda right. He told me this afternoon that he just wants me to have a friend, even if she is three or four years younger than me and still a teenager. Not that I care about her age. That's not really the point.
So what is the point?
The point is that I don't feel like I fit in with anyone anymore. Not even most of my old friends. Not really. I'm not sure how to put it into words that make sense outside of my own brain, but I'll try.
I'll be 22 in July. That means most of my friends are still in college. Still living off of their parents. Still worrying about grades. Still partying all night. Still dating. Still fearing pregnancy.
I'm not doing any of those things. It's not missing it that's bothering me. What's bothering me is that I feel like we're on completely different levels. Not that I'm better than them, or they're better than me. We're just different. And with my priorities being what they are, and theirs being what they are, I just feel like it's harder lately to find any common ground.
How do I talk to someone about married life when they went out with three different people last week? How do I talk to someone about the struggle to pay bills even though we own a business when their parents still pay for everything for them? How can I talk to someone about my fucked up body and it's resistance to getting pregnant when they're all taking birth control or Plan B to avoid it? Or even better, got pregnant on accident or with no trouble at all?
I can to an extent, but they don't understand it, so they get bored. Or worse try to say something comforting that just ends up being the complete wrong thing to say. So what do I do? I let them talk about themselves, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but then I get bored.
So it just ends up being this thing where I listen to them talk about their life, give them advice if they ask for it, and laugh at appropriate times. But I go home feeling no better about what's going on or not going on in my life because I don't have much of an outlet for it in Real Life.
I'm just confused. I love all of my friends, but I don't like feeling this way. I just wish I could stumble across someone who is my age (or close to it), but understands me completely, that I can hang out with in Real Life after work or on the weekends.
Because let's face it, when your husband is trying to push you into making friends, you know it's pretty bad.
Anyways, I tweeted earlier about how Keith has been constantly asking me these past couple days if/when I'm gonna hang out with my friend Kellie from work again. And will she hang out with us Saturday, and next time you go to Beaumont, and blah blah blah, KELLIE!
I began to suspect that either he's desperate for me to make friends or he thinks she's cute. I was kinda right. He told me this afternoon that he just wants me to have a friend, even if she is three or four years younger than me and still a teenager. Not that I care about her age. That's not really the point.
So what is the point?
The point is that I don't feel like I fit in with anyone anymore. Not even most of my old friends. Not really. I'm not sure how to put it into words that make sense outside of my own brain, but I'll try.
I'll be 22 in July. That means most of my friends are still in college. Still living off of their parents. Still worrying about grades. Still partying all night. Still dating. Still fearing pregnancy.
I'm not doing any of those things. It's not missing it that's bothering me. What's bothering me is that I feel like we're on completely different levels. Not that I'm better than them, or they're better than me. We're just different. And with my priorities being what they are, and theirs being what they are, I just feel like it's harder lately to find any common ground.
How do I talk to someone about married life when they went out with three different people last week? How do I talk to someone about the struggle to pay bills even though we own a business when their parents still pay for everything for them? How can I talk to someone about my fucked up body and it's resistance to getting pregnant when they're all taking birth control or Plan B to avoid it? Or even better, got pregnant on accident or with no trouble at all?
I can to an extent, but they don't understand it, so they get bored. Or worse try to say something comforting that just ends up being the complete wrong thing to say. So what do I do? I let them talk about themselves, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but then I get bored.
So it just ends up being this thing where I listen to them talk about their life, give them advice if they ask for it, and laugh at appropriate times. But I go home feeling no better about what's going on or not going on in my life because I don't have much of an outlet for it in Real Life.
I'm just confused. I love all of my friends, but I don't like feeling this way. I just wish I could stumble across someone who is my age (or close to it), but understands me completely, that I can hang out with in Real Life after work or on the weekends.
Because let's face it, when your husband is trying to push you into making friends, you know it's pretty bad.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
They Didn't Even Tell Me!
Ok, so back in the summer, I got an infected hair follicle on the top of my head. I'm not dirty, I think I just scratched it and it didn't heal right, so therefore, infection. Anyways, it was very painful and kind of gross. I didn't go to the doctor for it because I checked and there wasn't much they'd do for it anyways. So I just doctored it with peroxide, then rubbing alcohol, and then Neosporin a few times a day. It went away just fine after a few days.
But guess what? I had a bald spot there.
But now guess what? The hair is growing back. It's about an inch long. Today I wore my hair in a ponytail to work. Not unusual for me, since I'm extremely lazy and usually do not give a shit about my hair. Well, after most of my work day had passed, I finally had time to run to the bathroom. Got in there and noticed that HOLY CRAP! That inch long section of hair had popped out from under my other hairs and was standing straight up on top of my head. And nobody even said anything to me all day.
Maybe you would be offended if someone told you something like that, but I wouldn't. I would also want them to tell me if there was a booger in my nose or something in my teeth. I'd rather have a second of embarrassment than go all day not knowing and then be pissed and mortified later. This wasn't really that bad though. It was actually pretty funny. I was unaware that it would just stick up like that. Like a tiny boner made of hair.
Ok. Maybe that was a bad metaphor. But you get the general idea, right?
But guess what? I had a bald spot there.
But now guess what? The hair is growing back. It's about an inch long. Today I wore my hair in a ponytail to work. Not unusual for me, since I'm extremely lazy and usually do not give a shit about my hair. Well, after most of my work day had passed, I finally had time to run to the bathroom. Got in there and noticed that HOLY CRAP! That inch long section of hair had popped out from under my other hairs and was standing straight up on top of my head. And nobody even said anything to me all day.
Maybe you would be offended if someone told you something like that, but I wouldn't. I would also want them to tell me if there was a booger in my nose or something in my teeth. I'd rather have a second of embarrassment than go all day not knowing and then be pissed and mortified later. This wasn't really that bad though. It was actually pretty funny. I was unaware that it would just stick up like that. Like a tiny boner made of hair.
Ok. Maybe that was a bad metaphor. But you get the general idea, right?
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Whoa! Forgot My First Award!
I was so wrapped up in the day's events that I forgot about the award I was given! Em over at The Chapman Nest awarded me the Versatile Blogger Award! I haven't had much time to get to know her, but she seems like a real sweetheart, and very helpful as well! I'm so excited to get to know other bloggers, and very honored to receive this award.
So here's how this award works...
1. Thank and link back to the person who gave you the award.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Award up to 15 recently discovered great bloggers.
4. Make sure you contact these bloggers to let them know about the award
7 things:
- I love to read! I read literally everything, from books, to newspapers, to the back of the shampoo bottle.
- I have one pet. A turtle named 50cent.
- My porch is still adorned with Christmas lights.
- I can be pretty random at times.
- I love karaoke and love singing my little heart out.
- I like to blog, but I don't think my life is interesting enough for people to read it like they do. (Thanks readers!)
- I have an addiction. An internet addiction.
Just a Few Friends
- Jenny at Bloggity-Blog
- Michelle at Crafty Lil Momma's Day
- Jessie at Just a Queer Thought
- Taco at Misadventures (adult-ish blog)
- Steph at Motherhood Adoption IVF and Everything in Between
- Jen at Superwoman's Stunt Double
Thanks!
Thank you to everyone who commented yesterday. All very helpful! I set up an appointment for ultrasound and blood work. I'll be going on February 7th at noon. Very happy to have it scheduled. Hope I can get some answers.
My friend Kellie and I went to see one of our old coworkers in the hospital. She's looking pretty bad. Please pray for her, if you can.
After we left there we went to Chili's for dinner and to the mall to look around and pick up some perfume to me. We ended up having a nice time, so that's good.
I guess that's it for the night. I'm tired and don't really feel like going into much more detail.
My friend Kellie and I went to see one of our old coworkers in the hospital. She's looking pretty bad. Please pray for her, if you can.
After we left there we went to Chili's for dinner and to the mall to look around and pick up some perfume to me. We ended up having a nice time, so that's good.
I guess that's it for the night. I'm tired and don't really feel like going into much more detail.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Why? WHY?
Why did I do this to myself? I decided to take a different brand of hpt in the evening this time. Some ladies get better results in the evening. Another negative. I guess that means tomorrow I will try to remember to schedule an appointment since I'll be cd47. Which is fucking ridiculous. Pardon my language. Actually, I don't care, but I want to seem polite.
Anyways, where my PCOS ladies at? I has questions for you. Back in May or so, my ultrasound showed cysts on both ovaries, with possible PCOS. Do you think that this is an indicator of that? Or symptom? Or whatever you want to call it? My doc said my blood work always came back within the normal range, but I don't know...I feel off. I'm thinking about calling to set up maybe some blood work and another ultrasound. I'll have to go through a completely new doc. Do you think that they would do that right off the bat for a new patient? Also, do you think that he would prescribe something to help me start? Provera maybe? I'm interested in trying Provera and then Clomid.
Also, one last question. Did you ever try changing your diet and adding in exercise? Did it alleviate anything or did you notice any significant changes? I changed mine up completely and started doing 30 minutes of cardio a day back in May and all it did was help me lose 20 pounds. I started eating "regular" (and by regular, I mean carbs) food again and have gained almost ten of it back in the last 2 or 3 months.
Sorry for being so needy with all the questions. I just really hate the way my body has given me so much shit in the past two years. Why can I not just work right? Why couldn't I just get pregnant on accident like my sister? Fuck.
Anyways, where my PCOS ladies at? I has questions for you. Back in May or so, my ultrasound showed cysts on both ovaries, with possible PCOS. Do you think that this is an indicator of that? Or symptom? Or whatever you want to call it? My doc said my blood work always came back within the normal range, but I don't know...I feel off. I'm thinking about calling to set up maybe some blood work and another ultrasound. I'll have to go through a completely new doc. Do you think that they would do that right off the bat for a new patient? Also, do you think that he would prescribe something to help me start? Provera maybe? I'm interested in trying Provera and then Clomid.
Also, one last question. Did you ever try changing your diet and adding in exercise? Did it alleviate anything or did you notice any significant changes? I changed mine up completely and started doing 30 minutes of cardio a day back in May and all it did was help me lose 20 pounds. I started eating "regular" (and by regular, I mean carbs) food again and have gained almost ten of it back in the last 2 or 3 months.
Sorry for being so needy with all the questions. I just really hate the way my body has given me so much shit in the past two years. Why can I not just work right? Why couldn't I just get pregnant on accident like my sister? Fuck.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
iPhone 4!
iPhone 4, I haz it! I got it today. My old 3gs has been crapping out on me big time, so Keith was nice enough to give me his upgrade today instead of having to wait until the end of April. I'm in the process of syncing right now. Oh, and I went from having 16 gigs to having 32. Big difference. So much more breathing room. My 16 gig was FULL.
Really not looking forward to getting up at 2ish in the morning to go work with Keith. Worst part about Mondays is the amount of time we work. The best part is spending quality time with Keith. Hopefully we don't have another day like we did today. I feel like we just argued over nothing all day. Like the gas mileage my truck gets, or how we didn't spend enough time in the frozen food aisle at HEB, or whether or not a friend's baby is cute. Just really really stupid numbskullish things to argue over, but we did it. I don't like those kind of days.
Still no period.
Anyways, I gotta go switch some money around in our bank account and pay our phone bill, so I'll catch y'all later.
Really not looking forward to getting up at 2ish in the morning to go work with Keith. Worst part about Mondays is the amount of time we work. The best part is spending quality time with Keith. Hopefully we don't have another day like we did today. I feel like we just argued over nothing all day. Like the gas mileage my truck gets, or how we didn't spend enough time in the frozen food aisle at HEB, or whether or not a friend's baby is cute. Just really really stupid numbskullish things to argue over, but we did it. I don't like those kind of days.
Still no period.
Anyways, I gotta go switch some money around in our bank account and pay our phone bill, so I'll catch y'all later.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
43
Cycle day mother effing 43. I hate this. I really do. I once thought that I'd love not having a period. That was only a few months ago when I was having one everyday. But now I'm pretty mad. I just want to start so that we can get going on this cycle. It's driving me insane. I have had some brown spotting, but not a whole lot. I hope things get rolling soon. Does anyone know how to get a period going without going to the doctor? Just something I can try in the mean time until I find a new doc that I like. Home remedies, voodoo, anything. I'll try it. Seriously, I have 50 Wondfo ovulation tests to start using!
OH, and also, one of the sperm friendly lubricants came in today. I really hope it helps us. The other one should be in within the next week. Yes, two kinds (Pre and Preseed). Both from the same manufacturer. One is internal (Preseed). Like, you put it in the little applicator, and just kinda shoot it up there. I know it sounds really gross, but it's supposed to mimic your fertile cervical fluids. Which I do not think I make. Which might mean I don't really ovulate. Which would be no surprise to me. Which is why I need to find a new doc. And at this point I will try to stop starting sentences with "which." No promises though.
We watched The Last Song starring Miley Cyrus tonight. It was sad. It made me cry, especially since my dad died of cancer/heart failure two years ago. I know that everyone dies. I know that lots of people have to watch their parents die, or even (god forbid) their children. But I hate it. I hate it for each and every one of us. God gives us such beautiful things in the form of other lives that touch ours in the most wonderful ways and then He takes them away. That really makes it hard to have faith.
And that's all I have to say about that.
OH, and also, one of the sperm friendly lubricants came in today. I really hope it helps us. The other one should be in within the next week. Yes, two kinds (Pre and Preseed). Both from the same manufacturer. One is internal (Preseed). Like, you put it in the little applicator, and just kinda shoot it up there. I know it sounds really gross, but it's supposed to mimic your fertile cervical fluids. Which I do not think I make. Which might mean I don't really ovulate. Which would be no surprise to me. Which is why I need to find a new doc. And at this point I will try to stop starting sentences with "which." No promises though.
We watched The Last Song starring Miley Cyrus tonight. It was sad. It made me cry, especially since my dad died of cancer/heart failure two years ago. I know that everyone dies. I know that lots of people have to watch their parents die, or even (god forbid) their children. But I hate it. I hate it for each and every one of us. God gives us such beautiful things in the form of other lives that touch ours in the most wonderful ways and then He takes them away. That really makes it hard to have faith.
And that's all I have to say about that.
Friday, January 21, 2011
Who Does That?
And by "who" I mean my Doctor. And by "that" I mean move out of state without notifying your patients. Seriously. Who freaking does that? Um, she was my doctor for the past year. She did my D&C back in November. She was already well acquainted with Lady Vag-ington. Or Bloody Mary, as she used to be known. And now I must find a new doctor in a new office. I don't like the other doctors at my old doc's office. I'm not comfortable with them. Whenever I would go in and see them, I just didn't feel at ease. Plus my doc and I had the same shoes. That is a bond that can never be broken! I think.
Anyways, the point is that I'm upset that I now have to begin The Search. Who else has been confronted with the issue of finding a new person to rummage around in your Lady Business? How did you go about it? Did you call around or did you visit each office individually? I've been to two offices here, and to my old doc in Baytown. The ones here made me feel uncomfortable. The woman just made me feel weird. Her associate was in the room and the whole time they had a conversation and acted like I didn't even exist, even through the breast exam, which is basically right in my face. I mean, when you're touching someone's breasts, you should probably talk to them about something, right? I wouldn't know. I don't touch breasts. The man...I don't have a problem with a male gyno, it's the freaking nurse that has to stand there and make sure that he's not "playing" with you that makes me uncomfortable. I don't like that she's just standing there. Looking. Watching. Icky. So that may cancel out several of my options.
There's a clinic literally three lots down from my apartment. It looks really nice and their ad in the yellow pages said they deal with infertility. Not sure how much they actually do regarding IF there, but it's a start, right? And I'm pretty sure they'll accept my insurance. Not that it covers anything infertility related, but whatever. It'll cover an exam and maybe bloodwork at the very least.
The reason I'm so worried about it is because I still haven't started my period. I'm 42 days in at this point. I'm still not 100% sure if I ovulated, but if I did, I'm about 15 dpo. (Yeah, I was actually off by a day in yesterday's post. Sorry.) But if I didn't ovulate, then this shit is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S. I told Keith if I don't start soon, I'm gonna go to the doctor to get medicine to make me start. He doesn't understand why I would want to do that. Um? So I can be normular? I'm starting to wonder if now that we got the uterus issue fixed, if my "Possible PCOS" is coming into play. Yeah, last ultrasound (in April or May) showed cysts on both ovaries. So that very well may be playing a role with this. So maybe I need an exam, bloodwork, and another ultrasound. I don't know. But I DO know that I for sure need a new doctor, since mine bailed without notice. Damn her. Damn her to hell! (Except not really because she's nice.)
So... I finished the blanket I was crocheting. It's effing beautiful! For now I'm considering it a throw blanket, but I really started it out as a baby blanket. It's a bit big for a baby blanket, but I don't care and I'm sure a baby wouldn't give a crap either. My newest project that I just started on is a tiny blanket to cover a baby's lap while in a carseat. I believe I will make it red and white striped. Because I can, that's why! Am I obsessed with babies? Probably. So what?
We heard about another route opening. The warehouse is in Cleveland and the route is through Kingwood. About a 30 minute drive or so between the two, but it's about the same as what Keith is driving now. Plus it's less hours and more money. We don't have much info on it, since it just opened up on Monday, and we may not get it at all. But Keith did tell them that he is seriously interested. Let's just hope that it works out for us, shall we? Yes, we shall.
Anyways, that's about all I gots for ya tonight. Later Gators!
Anyways, the point is that I'm upset that I now have to begin The Search. Who else has been confronted with the issue of finding a new person to rummage around in your Lady Business? How did you go about it? Did you call around or did you visit each office individually? I've been to two offices here, and to my old doc in Baytown. The ones here made me feel uncomfortable. The woman just made me feel weird. Her associate was in the room and the whole time they had a conversation and acted like I didn't even exist, even through the breast exam, which is basically right in my face. I mean, when you're touching someone's breasts, you should probably talk to them about something, right? I wouldn't know. I don't touch breasts. The man...I don't have a problem with a male gyno, it's the freaking nurse that has to stand there and make sure that he's not "playing" with you that makes me uncomfortable. I don't like that she's just standing there. Looking. Watching. Icky. So that may cancel out several of my options.
There's a clinic literally three lots down from my apartment. It looks really nice and their ad in the yellow pages said they deal with infertility. Not sure how much they actually do regarding IF there, but it's a start, right? And I'm pretty sure they'll accept my insurance. Not that it covers anything infertility related, but whatever. It'll cover an exam and maybe bloodwork at the very least.
The reason I'm so worried about it is because I still haven't started my period. I'm 42 days in at this point. I'm still not 100% sure if I ovulated, but if I did, I'm about 15 dpo. (Yeah, I was actually off by a day in yesterday's post. Sorry.) But if I didn't ovulate, then this shit is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S. I told Keith if I don't start soon, I'm gonna go to the doctor to get medicine to make me start. He doesn't understand why I would want to do that. Um? So I can be normular? I'm starting to wonder if now that we got the uterus issue fixed, if my "Possible PCOS" is coming into play. Yeah, last ultrasound (in April or May) showed cysts on both ovaries. So that very well may be playing a role with this. So maybe I need an exam, bloodwork, and another ultrasound. I don't know. But I DO know that I for sure need a new doctor, since mine bailed without notice. Damn her. Damn her to hell! (Except not really because she's nice.)
So... I finished the blanket I was crocheting. It's effing beautiful! For now I'm considering it a throw blanket, but I really started it out as a baby blanket. It's a bit big for a baby blanket, but I don't care and I'm sure a baby wouldn't give a crap either. My newest project that I just started on is a tiny blanket to cover a baby's lap while in a carseat. I believe I will make it red and white striped. Because I can, that's why! Am I obsessed with babies? Probably. So what?
We heard about another route opening. The warehouse is in Cleveland and the route is through Kingwood. About a 30 minute drive or so between the two, but it's about the same as what Keith is driving now. Plus it's less hours and more money. We don't have much info on it, since it just opened up on Monday, and we may not get it at all. But Keith did tell them that he is seriously interested. Let's just hope that it works out for us, shall we? Yes, we shall.
Anyways, that's about all I gots for ya tonight. Later Gators!
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Ok, I Lied.
Sorry about that. I probably won't post a longer post today. Nothing happened, so it's not really my fault.
Ok, my period? Is being weird. My bbt dropped dramatically days ago. I've had spotting, some red but mostly brown. Just now when I went to the potty? More creamy cm, slightly tinged with brown! WHAT THE F*CK? Body, seriously, why are you messing with me?!?!?!?!?! I still really don't think I'm pregnant, like at all. Not even a little bit. But really, I'm at cd41 today, at LEAST 15dpo. I just bought a bunch of stuff for us to try again next cycle (50 ovulation strips and sperm friendly lubricant), so that would be $40 down the drain if I am. Which I do not believe at all.
Also, we tried Muenster cheese today and it was awesome.
Ok, my period? Is being weird. My bbt dropped dramatically days ago. I've had spotting, some red but mostly brown. Just now when I went to the potty? More creamy cm, slightly tinged with brown! WHAT THE F*CK? Body, seriously, why are you messing with me?!?!?!?!?! I still really don't think I'm pregnant, like at all. Not even a little bit. But really, I'm at cd41 today, at LEAST 15dpo. I just bought a bunch of stuff for us to try again next cycle (50 ovulation strips and sperm friendly lubricant), so that would be $40 down the drain if I am. Which I do not believe at all.
Also, we tried Muenster cheese today and it was awesome.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Poked.
I have poked tiny holes in several of my fingers. This is why I do not like to sew very much. But that's what I just spent the last hour doing. Sewing up the holes in one of Keith's work shirt.
Why is my period being so elusive? It's here and then it's not and it's so confusing! I want to count today as cd1, but I'm not really sure.
All that's left to talk about today is I've watched like 4 episodes of South Park on Netflix and I'm almost done with my baby blanket/throw blanket. It's super cute! I only have two rows to go and a border and then I'm done!
Sorry for being short today. I'll try to make up for it a little bit tomorrow.
Why is my period being so elusive? It's here and then it's not and it's so confusing! I want to count today as cd1, but I'm not really sure.
All that's left to talk about today is I've watched like 4 episodes of South Park on Netflix and I'm almost done with my baby blanket/throw blanket. It's super cute! I only have two rows to go and a border and then I'm done!
Sorry for being short today. I'll try to make up for it a little bit tomorrow.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Decisions
Today has been a pretty good day. Stressful at times, but good. I've been crocheting a lot and I'm almost done with this really cute throw blanket I'm working on. I love it!
I thought I for sure started my period today, but I don't know. It's just spotting on and off, sometimes red, sometimes brown. But it really seemed like the real deal this morning. So irritating. I'm ready to get the next cycle started! I'm at 14dpo today. After I'm done with this, I'm thinking of heading over to buy some Preseed and ovulation strips online. I feel ready for the next cycle and kind of excited also.
A big thing came up with us today. My sister called and asked if we wanted to adopt her friend's unborn baby. At first I was a little unsure, but the more I thought about it, the more I liked the idea. I've always been open to adoption, and this just sealed it for me. I'd love to be able to adopt someday. Anyways, I thought of all of the good reasons why we should do it. The mom doesn't want it. That's exactly how Kerri put it. The girl does not want it. That and she can't take care of the baby. She isn't 100% sure who the dad is, so they wouldn't have that extra support (not that every family needs two parents). If we adopted the baby, we would be taking it away from a situation that's less than ideal. Plus, it could be the biological cousin of my nephew, which would be a plus because they would still be able to know each other. The more I thought of it, the more I wanted to do this and make it a semi-open adoption, that way the girl could still see the baby and maybe spend some time with us here or there.
I sat down with Keith and he just really didn't like the idea at all. At first he was giving me all of these weird reasons, like the doesn't like the girl and that it would be weird and adoption is a "last resort" anyways. What? No. I wasn't happy with those reasons. I tried to explain that while there are girls who get pregnant all the time, an opportunity to help someone and bring a baby home for us to love and nurture forever (or at least until it grows up) at the end might not fall into our laps like this ever again. (Of course you never know, but that's kind of beside the point.) I tried to explain that someday if we decide to do adoption and go through an agency, that it may take a couple of months or it may take years to bring your baby home. This situation is a guarantee. There WILL be a baby within nine months. I also talked to him a bit more and explained that adoption doesn't have to be a last resort. It may be that for some people, but there's no set rule that you have to exhaust all other options before considering it.
He said he understood that and finally came out and said that he's just not anywhere near being ready to adopt. He also said that now that I'm starting to function mostly correctly after my surgery, he wants to wait and try on our own again for a little while. I fully understand where he's coming from. Adoption is a big step, especially if you've never thought about it before. I grew up with some friends/family who were adopted, and my mom took in "stray" teenagers as well, so I've always felt at ease with imagining myself with an adopted child or two. In fact, I just sent him a link yesterday about a foster-to-adopt program that I wanted to start thinking about and maybe preparing for. I can't actually go into that particular program until I'm 25, but maybe by then Keith will be comfortable with the idea. I'm so sad that he isn't ready for this, because right now, at face value, it looks like a pretty awesome thing to me. But more than anything, I'm so glad that he could admit to everything that he did. I'd hate for him to agree to something he isn't ready for and then there's regret or resentment later on. I've vowed not to push him on the issue of adoption anymore, but I have also told myself that we both need more education on the subject and maybe some awesome adoption stories to aid in Keith coming to full acceptance of the idea in our future.
So anyways, thanks for reading my novel.
I thought I for sure started my period today, but I don't know. It's just spotting on and off, sometimes red, sometimes brown. But it really seemed like the real deal this morning. So irritating. I'm ready to get the next cycle started! I'm at 14dpo today. After I'm done with this, I'm thinking of heading over to buy some Preseed and ovulation strips online. I feel ready for the next cycle and kind of excited also.
A big thing came up with us today. My sister called and asked if we wanted to adopt her friend's unborn baby. At first I was a little unsure, but the more I thought about it, the more I liked the idea. I've always been open to adoption, and this just sealed it for me. I'd love to be able to adopt someday. Anyways, I thought of all of the good reasons why we should do it. The mom doesn't want it. That's exactly how Kerri put it. The girl does not want it. That and she can't take care of the baby. She isn't 100% sure who the dad is, so they wouldn't have that extra support (not that every family needs two parents). If we adopted the baby, we would be taking it away from a situation that's less than ideal. Plus, it could be the biological cousin of my nephew, which would be a plus because they would still be able to know each other. The more I thought of it, the more I wanted to do this and make it a semi-open adoption, that way the girl could still see the baby and maybe spend some time with us here or there.
I sat down with Keith and he just really didn't like the idea at all. At first he was giving me all of these weird reasons, like the doesn't like the girl and that it would be weird and adoption is a "last resort" anyways. What? No. I wasn't happy with those reasons. I tried to explain that while there are girls who get pregnant all the time, an opportunity to help someone and bring a baby home for us to love and nurture forever (or at least until it grows up) at the end might not fall into our laps like this ever again. (Of course you never know, but that's kind of beside the point.) I tried to explain that someday if we decide to do adoption and go through an agency, that it may take a couple of months or it may take years to bring your baby home. This situation is a guarantee. There WILL be a baby within nine months. I also talked to him a bit more and explained that adoption doesn't have to be a last resort. It may be that for some people, but there's no set rule that you have to exhaust all other options before considering it.
He said he understood that and finally came out and said that he's just not anywhere near being ready to adopt. He also said that now that I'm starting to function mostly correctly after my surgery, he wants to wait and try on our own again for a little while. I fully understand where he's coming from. Adoption is a big step, especially if you've never thought about it before. I grew up with some friends/family who were adopted, and my mom took in "stray" teenagers as well, so I've always felt at ease with imagining myself with an adopted child or two. In fact, I just sent him a link yesterday about a foster-to-adopt program that I wanted to start thinking about and maybe preparing for. I can't actually go into that particular program until I'm 25, but maybe by then Keith will be comfortable with the idea. I'm so sad that he isn't ready for this, because right now, at face value, it looks like a pretty awesome thing to me. But more than anything, I'm so glad that he could admit to everything that he did. I'd hate for him to agree to something he isn't ready for and then there's regret or resentment later on. I've vowed not to push him on the issue of adoption anymore, but I have also told myself that we both need more education on the subject and maybe some awesome adoption stories to aid in Keith coming to full acceptance of the idea in our future.
So anyways, thanks for reading my novel.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Sick!
I stayed home sick today. I must've caught something or eaten something bad. I was throwing up all last night and half of today. Blech. And my chest and throat both hurt from it.
For those of you that are interested, along with my spotting, my BBT (basal body temperature; google it) went down this morning. A lot. Pretty much guarantees that I'm not pregnant and that my period is coming. But thank you to all that held out hope with me! I guess I should be grateful that my body is working semi-right. And I am. But I can't help but want more than that. Le sigh. Oh well.
Actually, at this point I'm more interested in starting my period so I can begin anew with the next cycle. This one has been entirely too long, at a whopping 38 days so far! I haven't had one so long since high school. But then again, I ran a lot during school. And was super stressed out. I still am, but I really had a lot more on my plate back then. I have no idea how I ever managed.
College. School. Ugh. Sometimes I really hate reading Facebook status updates from friends of mine who are going to college right now. Not because I miss it all that much, because I don't. Mainly because they're so fucking arrogant and pretentious that it makes me seriously not like them anymore. Like really? I don't give a shit what school you go to, so stop pointing it out every five seconds. Yes. We know. Good job. Maybe that sounds rude, but you know what? I don't care.
I made my choices, and guess what? I'm happy with them. My life is a lot more stable than most other 21 year olds that I know. I used to live in their world of GPAs, class rank, and all that jazz. Why? Now that I think about it, I really don't know. I mean, I wanted to be a teacher, but there are so many new teachers coming out of college that there are hardly any jobs for them anymore. Also, I really used to love school until I realized I hated it. I always had my parents pushing me so hard to do this or do that, and once I got away from their "encouragement," I realized that all that stuff was not purely for me. That's what it's supposed to be about. You. It's your life. You don't have to live up to anyone's expectations but your own. It took me a long time to figure that one out, but I'm glad I did. And the good part is, whenever I'm ready for it, college will still be there waiting for me.
For those of you that are interested, along with my spotting, my BBT (basal body temperature; google it) went down this morning. A lot. Pretty much guarantees that I'm not pregnant and that my period is coming. But thank you to all that held out hope with me! I guess I should be grateful that my body is working semi-right. And I am. But I can't help but want more than that. Le sigh. Oh well.
Actually, at this point I'm more interested in starting my period so I can begin anew with the next cycle. This one has been entirely too long, at a whopping 38 days so far! I haven't had one so long since high school. But then again, I ran a lot during school. And was super stressed out. I still am, but I really had a lot more on my plate back then. I have no idea how I ever managed.
College. School. Ugh. Sometimes I really hate reading Facebook status updates from friends of mine who are going to college right now. Not because I miss it all that much, because I don't. Mainly because they're so fucking arrogant and pretentious that it makes me seriously not like them anymore. Like really? I don't give a shit what school you go to, so stop pointing it out every five seconds. Yes. We know. Good job. Maybe that sounds rude, but you know what? I don't care.
I made my choices, and guess what? I'm happy with them. My life is a lot more stable than most other 21 year olds that I know. I used to live in their world of GPAs, class rank, and all that jazz. Why? Now that I think about it, I really don't know. I mean, I wanted to be a teacher, but there are so many new teachers coming out of college that there are hardly any jobs for them anymore. Also, I really used to love school until I realized I hated it. I always had my parents pushing me so hard to do this or do that, and once I got away from their "encouragement," I realized that all that stuff was not purely for me. That's what it's supposed to be about. You. It's your life. You don't have to live up to anyone's expectations but your own. It took me a long time to figure that one out, but I'm glad I did. And the good part is, whenever I'm ready for it, college will still be there waiting for me.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Cleaning
That's what I've been doing today. Not all day, but a good chunk of it. Almost everything is done.
I know some of you missed me yesterday, but I'm learning that if I'm not feeling it then it's not required of me to write every single day. Which is nice. Besides that, I started spotting yesterday, so I was pretty upset. Keith comforted me and decided to take me to karaoke, even though I really hadn't planned on going. I took another test to be sure this morning. Still negative. I don't think it will ever be positive. I just have a bad feeling. If I get proven wrong, then yay. But I doubt it. I'm so over this infertility thing. I think we all are. (And when I say "we," I'm referring to my fellow inftertiles.)
Anyways, I've got clothes that need folding.
I know some of you missed me yesterday, but I'm learning that if I'm not feeling it then it's not required of me to write every single day. Which is nice. Besides that, I started spotting yesterday, so I was pretty upset. Keith comforted me and decided to take me to karaoke, even though I really hadn't planned on going. I took another test to be sure this morning. Still negative. I don't think it will ever be positive. I just have a bad feeling. If I get proven wrong, then yay. But I doubt it. I'm so over this infertility thing. I think we all are. (And when I say "we," I'm referring to my fellow inftertiles.)
Anyways, I've got clothes that need folding.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Only Eight
Eight o'clock and I feel so wiped out. Just like I felt at 3 this afternoon. I was so tired that I was falling asleep at my register. So I had some coffee and felt amazing. And now I'm completely exhausted again. Ugh. ZzZzZzzzzz!!! I'll probably head to bed soon.
Oh, and good news! CM? Still creamy/lotiony. And back to the regular, no periodish color. That makes me feel very hopeful. The only thing that would make this any better is if my temp goes up tomorrow. It was a little lower than I'd hoped for this morning. Not too low, but low enough to make me worry about it going back up tomorrow.
No crazy lady phone calls at work today. I expect her to call tomorrow though.
That's all for now. Keep fingers crossed for me, por favor!
Oh, and good news! CM? Still creamy/lotiony. And back to the regular, no periodish color. That makes me feel very hopeful. The only thing that would make this any better is if my temp goes up tomorrow. It was a little lower than I'd hoped for this morning. Not too low, but low enough to make me worry about it going back up tomorrow.
No crazy lady phone calls at work today. I expect her to call tomorrow though.
That's all for now. Keep fingers crossed for me, por favor!
Thursday, January 13, 2011
It's a Rainbow!
Not a good one though. What do I mean by that, you ask? I mean that my cm is being crazy. Yesterday it was the regular creamy white color. And then by afternoon it was looking brownish. And then last night it was tinged with red. Today I didn't have much, but it was red. Now it's back to a brownish color. What will tomorrow hold? Hopefully it will just be a normal, non almost period time color. I'm around 8dpo today, so I'm hoping that the brown/pink/red/brown thing is from implantation. It's probably a slim chance, but I still have to hope.
And speaking of 8dpo (which stands for days past ovulation), I took a pregnancy test today. For some god awful reason I thought it would be a great idea. No. BFN. (Which means big fat negative!) Yep. Negative. But if it is implantation, there's no possible way it would be positive yet. Actually getting a BFP (big fat positive) is pretty hard to do at 8dpo. I've decided to wait another week, and if my period is not here by then, then I'll take another test. A week from today, I'll be 15dpo. If it's not positive then, it probably won't be positive at all. But like I said in the first paragraph, I'm not really sure what's going on right now. Like always. Le sigh.
We watched Dinner for Schmucks today. If you're on the fence about watching, my advice is to just do it. Like Nike. The shoes, not the mythical figure.
Also? That crazy bitch that called the restaurant Tuesday? She called again! Long story short, she's kind of stalking my boss and threatened to kick my ass in the parking lot. So Tim filed a police report. Plain and simple. I'm still wondering if I should carry some kind of protection to and from my truck though.
FINALLY got my oil changed. It was only 2 months and 3000 miles overdue. I know. That's a lot. I drive. Lots and lots. Anyways, it's changed now and my tires are balanced and the valve stems are repaired. I feel so much safer. Except for I still need my brakes fixed. My sister says the same thing is wrong with hers. She says it's something called the brake booster and it's out. My brake pedal is really hard to push and sounds like air. Which it should not be doing. Soon as I get some extra money, I'm gonna look into getting that fixed.
So. I guess that's it. If you have an extra minute, cross your fingers or say a prayer or send good vibes my way. And if you can, please focus all of that stuff on my uterus and the hypothetical embryo in there. Hypothetical, I say. Don't you go getting your hopes up any higher than mine. (I've set a pretty high bar, though.) Ok, enough. Goodnight. Good stuff/energy/whatever you believe in is appreciated in advance.
And speaking of 8dpo (which stands for days past ovulation), I took a pregnancy test today. For some god awful reason I thought it would be a great idea. No. BFN. (Which means big fat negative!) Yep. Negative. But if it is implantation, there's no possible way it would be positive yet. Actually getting a BFP (big fat positive) is pretty hard to do at 8dpo. I've decided to wait another week, and if my period is not here by then, then I'll take another test. A week from today, I'll be 15dpo. If it's not positive then, it probably won't be positive at all. But like I said in the first paragraph, I'm not really sure what's going on right now. Like always. Le sigh.
We watched Dinner for Schmucks today. If you're on the fence about watching, my advice is to just do it. Like Nike. The shoes, not the mythical figure.
Also? That crazy bitch that called the restaurant Tuesday? She called again! Long story short, she's kind of stalking my boss and threatened to kick my ass in the parking lot. So Tim filed a police report. Plain and simple. I'm still wondering if I should carry some kind of protection to and from my truck though.
FINALLY got my oil changed. It was only 2 months and 3000 miles overdue. I know. That's a lot. I drive. Lots and lots. Anyways, it's changed now and my tires are balanced and the valve stems are repaired. I feel so much safer. Except for I still need my brakes fixed. My sister says the same thing is wrong with hers. She says it's something called the brake booster and it's out. My brake pedal is really hard to push and sounds like air. Which it should not be doing. Soon as I get some extra money, I'm gonna look into getting that fixed.
So. I guess that's it. If you have an extra minute, cross your fingers or say a prayer or send good vibes my way. And if you can, please focus all of that stuff on my uterus and the hypothetical embryo in there. Hypothetical, I say. Don't you go getting your hopes up any higher than mine. (I've set a pretty high bar, though.) Ok, enough. Goodnight. Good stuff/energy/whatever you believe in is appreciated in advance.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
FAJITAS!!!
That's what my stomach was screaming for when I woke up from my nap. The good thing is that Keith is always up for fajitas for two from Casa Ole. So I told him that we should go and man, I devoured them. That's really the best word for it. Devoured. I'm sure it looked like I hadn't eaten in days, but they were so good. And I drank like a gallon of sweet tea. Which was awesome also. I usually don't eat much of the fajitas when we order them, so Keith was really surprised that I ate as much as I did. And that's after eating chips and queso! I'm so full that my stomach will probably explode soon and ruin my carpet.
And, another strange thing. I had a sex dream during my nap. Don't get me wrong, it was HOT, but weird. I just usually don't dream like that. Basically in my dream, we were driving home from the warehouse, but it was in a different place. And it was storming really bad. So bad that all of the power was out. Even the street lights and stop lights and stuff. So for some reason, we pulled over at this park or something and, well.....you know...right there in the backseat. My clothing was quickie friendly in this dream. Like I said, it was pretty sexy. Just kinda strange for me. But I have weird dreams all the time, so maybe it's not too strange.
By the way, I know most of you have noticed my new blog design. If not, then wtf? Anyways, it's awesome, right? I know. I know you're all jealous. You could totally just click on the button on the bottom right side of my page and get your own from Blog Sites by Suzy. She's amazing! Thanks so much Suzy!!!
Anyways, that's it. I'll probably go clean my kitchen or play Fable or something. Later cool cats.
And, another strange thing. I had a sex dream during my nap. Don't get me wrong, it was HOT, but weird. I just usually don't dream like that. Basically in my dream, we were driving home from the warehouse, but it was in a different place. And it was storming really bad. So bad that all of the power was out. Even the street lights and stop lights and stuff. So for some reason, we pulled over at this park or something and, well.....you know...right there in the backseat. My clothing was quickie friendly in this dream. Like I said, it was pretty sexy. Just kinda strange for me. But I have weird dreams all the time, so maybe it's not too strange.
By the way, I know most of you have noticed my new blog design. If not, then wtf? Anyways, it's awesome, right? I know. I know you're all jealous. You could totally just click on the button on the bottom right side of my page and get your own from Blog Sites by Suzy. She's amazing! Thanks so much Suzy!!!
Anyways, that's it. I'll probably go clean my kitchen or play Fable or something. Later cool cats.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Crazy Dreams and Prank Calls
Let me start with this: I had a crazy ass dream last night. I dreamt I went to Hell. Literally. Hell. It was strange.
In the beginning of the dream, my friend Kaylie and I were taking a tour of this prison/boot camp. This camp was basically a prison, for actual criminals, where they went through extensive training, and then were placed in different branches of the military by the US government. So anyways, Kaylie and I wanted to take a tour. A really extensive tour to get the feel of the place. I'm not really sure why, since it seems like it would suck. So we participated in the activities for the day, just as the inmates would do. They took everything but our shoes, and gave us jumpsuits and a plastic baggie. The bag was for foraging, since we were going to participate in a survival quest that day. Kaylie and I were not allowed to be in the same group.
So I set off, but somehow got separated from my group. I saw this woman walking through the woods, and I followed her. We came to a giant hole in the ground that looked really deep. The woman dove in, and for some insane reason I followed. We just kept going down and down and down and down. And the whole time she was spinning and diving and twisting so gracefully while sparks came off of her body. It was so strange and really beautiful and haunting at the same time. I finally saw the end, but it was just the ground. I fell so hard that I was severely injured, almost to death. Maybe all the way to death.
Now, I don't know what all you guys know about Greek mythology, but when you enter the Underworld, you have to cross the River Styx. The only way to get across is to take the ferry. You have to pay the Ferryman in gold coins for him to ferry you across. I always imagine that he resembles our images of Death: a skeleton in a black hooded robe that casts a shadow over his face so that you can't see it.
Anyways, I wake up, but I'm having an out of body experience. I can see my body across the room, and I can see the woman, who is actually more of a girl in her late teens or early twenties, preparing some kind of ritual. And for some reason I can see the Ferryman a few feet away. In the distance is the River Styx. It looks really creepy. I don't know why, but the girl can't see the Ferryman or my spirit. The Ferryman can. I said to him "You're the Ferryman, right?" He said "Yes." I marvelled at him for a moment. Then I said "Ok, well have fun rowing." He points at my body and says "Have fun rowing." I look over and the girl is performing some kind of ritual with my body that includes lighting my heart on fire. I understand that the Ferryman is implying that he is waiting for me and that I'll be "rowing" across the river with him. For good.
That's all I can remember.
As for the prank call, this crazy ass lady called the restaurant today. She really pissed me off. All she was doing was playing around and being rude. After trying to figure out if it was a serious phone call for somewhere close to seven minutes, I start to get frustrated. Not only that, but someone is waiting to pay for their food so that they can leave. So after all of that time of being the epitome of politeness, I finally tell her that if she's not going to place an order right now, please call back because I have other things to take care of since it's right in the middle of the lunch rush. She asked to speak with a manager, and now I'm pissed so I said "You know what? I'm gonna go and get him right now. I'm putting you on hold, so don't hang up." I went and got Tim, who is the owner, and she told him I was rude and that I called her a Jezebel! Who even says that anymore?!?! He laughed out loud and after a few minutes realized that it was just a crazy bitch who had nothing else to do. After a while of trying to get her to identify herself, he started to hang up. I could hear her screaming as he put the phone down "NO! WAAAIIIT!! NOOOO!!!" Crazy bitch.
Latest update: still having creamy cm, but it had brownish in it tonight. Like brown spotting. Hope that's not a bad sign. If I did ovulate late, I'm thinking it would've been around Thursday or Friday. But I can't really be sure. Damn bread route ruining my BBT chart! Please lie to me and say the brownishness is not a bad thing.
In the beginning of the dream, my friend Kaylie and I were taking a tour of this prison/boot camp. This camp was basically a prison, for actual criminals, where they went through extensive training, and then were placed in different branches of the military by the US government. So anyways, Kaylie and I wanted to take a tour. A really extensive tour to get the feel of the place. I'm not really sure why, since it seems like it would suck. So we participated in the activities for the day, just as the inmates would do. They took everything but our shoes, and gave us jumpsuits and a plastic baggie. The bag was for foraging, since we were going to participate in a survival quest that day. Kaylie and I were not allowed to be in the same group.
So I set off, but somehow got separated from my group. I saw this woman walking through the woods, and I followed her. We came to a giant hole in the ground that looked really deep. The woman dove in, and for some insane reason I followed. We just kept going down and down and down and down. And the whole time she was spinning and diving and twisting so gracefully while sparks came off of her body. It was so strange and really beautiful and haunting at the same time. I finally saw the end, but it was just the ground. I fell so hard that I was severely injured, almost to death. Maybe all the way to death.
Now, I don't know what all you guys know about Greek mythology, but when you enter the Underworld, you have to cross the River Styx. The only way to get across is to take the ferry. You have to pay the Ferryman in gold coins for him to ferry you across. I always imagine that he resembles our images of Death: a skeleton in a black hooded robe that casts a shadow over his face so that you can't see it.
Anyways, I wake up, but I'm having an out of body experience. I can see my body across the room, and I can see the woman, who is actually more of a girl in her late teens or early twenties, preparing some kind of ritual. And for some reason I can see the Ferryman a few feet away. In the distance is the River Styx. It looks really creepy. I don't know why, but the girl can't see the Ferryman or my spirit. The Ferryman can. I said to him "You're the Ferryman, right?" He said "Yes." I marvelled at him for a moment. Then I said "Ok, well have fun rowing." He points at my body and says "Have fun rowing." I look over and the girl is performing some kind of ritual with my body that includes lighting my heart on fire. I understand that the Ferryman is implying that he is waiting for me and that I'll be "rowing" across the river with him. For good.
That's all I can remember.
As for the prank call, this crazy ass lady called the restaurant today. She really pissed me off. All she was doing was playing around and being rude. After trying to figure out if it was a serious phone call for somewhere close to seven minutes, I start to get frustrated. Not only that, but someone is waiting to pay for their food so that they can leave. So after all of that time of being the epitome of politeness, I finally tell her that if she's not going to place an order right now, please call back because I have other things to take care of since it's right in the middle of the lunch rush. She asked to speak with a manager, and now I'm pissed so I said "You know what? I'm gonna go and get him right now. I'm putting you on hold, so don't hang up." I went and got Tim, who is the owner, and she told him I was rude and that I called her a Jezebel! Who even says that anymore?!?! He laughed out loud and after a few minutes realized that it was just a crazy bitch who had nothing else to do. After a while of trying to get her to identify herself, he started to hang up. I could hear her screaming as he put the phone down "NO! WAAAIIIT!! NOOOO!!!" Crazy bitch.
Latest update: still having creamy cm, but it had brownish in it tonight. Like brown spotting. Hope that's not a bad sign. If I did ovulate late, I'm thinking it would've been around Thursday or Friday. But I can't really be sure. Damn bread route ruining my BBT chart! Please lie to me and say the brownishness is not a bad thing.
Monday, January 10, 2011
I Hate Mondays
I do, but I don't. I hate that I have to work all day and be exhausted when I get home, but I love that I get to spend that time with Keith.
And get this: I went into the laundry room and someone had taken up all 4 of the washing machines. So I had to sit there for thirty minutes and wait for their clothes to be done so I could put mine in. Yes, I'm that girl who takes other people's clothes out of the machine. Sorry, but when you're a dick and use all of them up like you're the only one who has to do laundry then that's what you get. Luckily they left their basket in there, so I was able to put them in there all nice and neat. Oh, and one machine seriously had only one thing in there. One freaking thing. How stupid.
I wish I could take my temperature in the morning. I have to get up and help Keith at 2, so it wouldn't be accurate. But I wish I could. I'm so impatient. I want Wednesday morning to get here in a hurry so that I can go ahead and take it already. I hope it goes up or at least stays in the same range. I'll be happy either way as long as it doesn't go down. That would really blow. And guess what? I've been having tons and tons of cervical fluid/mucus. All creamy/lotiony. That never ever happens to me. Then again, I rarely ovulate. Like, maybe once every few months. And it's never a very strong one. So I'm pretty excited about whatever is going on with my body right now. I feel like it's working right for once.
Anyways, I gotta go switch my clothes over before someone takes them out of the machine.
And get this: I went into the laundry room and someone had taken up all 4 of the washing machines. So I had to sit there for thirty minutes and wait for their clothes to be done so I could put mine in. Yes, I'm that girl who takes other people's clothes out of the machine. Sorry, but when you're a dick and use all of them up like you're the only one who has to do laundry then that's what you get. Luckily they left their basket in there, so I was able to put them in there all nice and neat. Oh, and one machine seriously had only one thing in there. One freaking thing. How stupid.
I wish I could take my temperature in the morning. I have to get up and help Keith at 2, so it wouldn't be accurate. But I wish I could. I'm so impatient. I want Wednesday morning to get here in a hurry so that I can go ahead and take it already. I hope it goes up or at least stays in the same range. I'll be happy either way as long as it doesn't go down. That would really blow. And guess what? I've been having tons and tons of cervical fluid/mucus. All creamy/lotiony. That never ever happens to me. Then again, I rarely ovulate. Like, maybe once every few months. And it's never a very strong one. So I'm pretty excited about whatever is going on with my body right now. I feel like it's working right for once.
Anyways, I gotta go switch my clothes over before someone takes them out of the machine.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
In Loving Memory
Yesterday, my mom would've turned 40 years old. It was a difficult day. I know I didn't post yesterday, but I'd like to post what I wrote for her funeral, and the list of songs that we played for her.
A lot of people say that their mom is their best friend, but they don't always mean it. But she truly was the greatest friend to me and an awesome mom. She was always there for me when I needed her, and she was always on my side no matter what. Most people looked at my mom and saw a lifetime of mistakes or a woman tainted by a disease that they will never really fully understand. But she was a million times better than that. She was a loving mother, a best friend, a keeper of secrets. Someone you could count on no matter what. Her sickness did not define her because she never let it. She always put everyone ahead of herself, even on the days when she felt her worst. I'm not sure if we all realize that we've lost the glue that held us together through the good times and the bad. Hopefully we can all see what my wonderful mother did for us all of these years: she kept us a family.
Playlist:
Angel from Montgomery - Bonnie Raitt
The Best Day - Taylor Swift
Angel Standing By - Jewel
Breathe On Me - New Covenant Quartet
Come Away With Me - Norah Jones
Babe - Styx
Faded Love - Patsy Cline
Fire and Rain - James Taylor
Time In a Bottle - Jim Croce
Down To the River to Pray - Alison Krauss
Twenty-Four - Switchfoot
Wild Horses - Cranberries
I Can't Make You Love Me - Bonnie Raitt
So Far Away - Carole King
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A lot of people say that their mom is their best friend, but they don't always mean it. But she truly was the greatest friend to me and an awesome mom. She was always there for me when I needed her, and she was always on my side no matter what. Most people looked at my mom and saw a lifetime of mistakes or a woman tainted by a disease that they will never really fully understand. But she was a million times better than that. She was a loving mother, a best friend, a keeper of secrets. Someone you could count on no matter what. Her sickness did not define her because she never let it. She always put everyone ahead of herself, even on the days when she felt her worst. I'm not sure if we all realize that we've lost the glue that held us together through the good times and the bad. Hopefully we can all see what my wonderful mother did for us all of these years: she kept us a family.
Playlist:
Angel from Montgomery - Bonnie Raitt
The Best Day - Taylor Swift
Angel Standing By - Jewel
Breathe On Me - New Covenant Quartet
Come Away With Me - Norah Jones
Babe - Styx
Faded Love - Patsy Cline
Fire and Rain - James Taylor
Time In a Bottle - Jim Croce
Down To the River to Pray - Alison Krauss
Twenty-Four - Switchfoot
Wild Horses - Cranberries
I Can't Make You Love Me - Bonnie Raitt
So Far Away - Carole King
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We played several of those same songs at my dad's funeral as well, since they were songs they both loved. Yesterday my 4 year old cousin and aunt did a balloon release for mom's birthday. I watched the video today and cried when I saw it. It was so sweet. My sister, her family, Keith, and I had lunch together at her house today and made a cake. Mom's favorite kind: classic yellow with chocolate icing. The first milestones are always the hardest, but we're surviving.
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In other, less sad news, I'm still late. Now that I look at my chart and really think about it, maybe I'm just ovulating super late? It's so hard to tell because I've missed so many days due to crazy work hours. So that would throw my test day wayyy off, and make it way too soon. Wish my body wasn't so confusing!
Anyways, I'm gonna get off of here and watch The Craft with Keith. Goodnight!
Friday, January 7, 2011
I Have Set a Day
Yes. I picked a day to take a pregnancy test, should my period hold off for that long. I'm not sure it will. But even if it does come, I can at least be grateful that my cycles are lengthening and the herbs are working. No matter the outcome, I will strive to be at least grateful for that. I don't know if I want to reveal the day to you all or not. I've come up with the little plan with a friend of mine, and I think that I'll just keep it between us. Not that I'm trying to be secretive with you guys or anything, I'm just feeling superstitious. Or something. I just don't want to jinx it anymore than I already have. Which is stupid because my chart sucks and this is probably nothing at all.
In other news, I've been having mostly good days. Even getting along with the annoying woman at work kind of. And let me tell you, that is BIG for me. Huge. Ginormous even.
Tomorrow....I don't think tomorrow will be the greatest day, emotionally. Tomorrow my mom would've turned 40 years old. I know. Young. That would make me a year and a half older than half of her age.
I really miss her.
In other news, I've been having mostly good days. Even getting along with the annoying woman at work kind of. And let me tell you, that is BIG for me. Huge. Ginormous even.
Tomorrow....I don't think tomorrow will be the greatest day, emotionally. Tomorrow my mom would've turned 40 years old. I know. Young. That would make me a year and a half older than half of her age.
I really miss her.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Everything Is Late
Meaning everything about me. I took care of some business today that I should've taken care of over a week ago. I don't like that. I feel so irresponsible, especially since it has to do with my RE appointment on Monday. (RE = reproductive endocrinologist = hormone specialist who might help us have a tiny person...) Freakin holidays had me all screwed up. I really meant to cancel the appointment, but forgot and then it was too late. Anyways, the point is that it was late, but I got it taken care of.
Another thing that's late? My period. Still. This is 3 days now. Yesterday, I thought it might mean something. Today I don't. I don't think it means jack squat right now. My hopefulness and belief in my body to work right changes from hour to hour these past few days. Right now I am refusing to test at all. Ever. I shall wait for my period to come. Yes. I am strong. Well, I am today at least. I'll let y'all know how that's going in tomorrow's update. But I really do hate my body for keeping me in suspense like this. What a jerk my uterus is!
I got most of my tree taken down! Got all the lights and decorations off of it. Now all I have to do is break the tree into pieces and store it away until next year. Oh, and I have to take the lights off of my porch and out of my window. But that'll be easy.
Well, not much else to say except goodnight until tomorrow and I'll keep you all posted!
Another thing that's late? My period. Still. This is 3 days now. Yesterday, I thought it might mean something. Today I don't. I don't think it means jack squat right now. My hopefulness and belief in my body to work right changes from hour to hour these past few days. Right now I am refusing to test at all. Ever. I shall wait for my period to come. Yes. I am strong. Well, I am today at least. I'll let y'all know how that's going in tomorrow's update. But I really do hate my body for keeping me in suspense like this. What a jerk my uterus is!
I got most of my tree taken down! Got all the lights and decorations off of it. Now all I have to do is break the tree into pieces and store it away until next year. Oh, and I have to take the lights off of my porch and out of my window. But that'll be easy.
Well, not much else to say except goodnight until tomorrow and I'll keep you all posted!
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Still a No-Show
Yep. Still no AF. Granted, she's only two days late. But still. I really haven't had much chance to obsess over anything throughout most of our little journey. My body has been too effed up. So I am obsessing, while pretending not to. I'm obsessing even though there probably isn't even a chance that anything will come of this. Just let me do it this once, please.
Yes, there are "signs and symptoms," but that's probably just my mind doing this. In fact, I've even put on brand spanking new undies with *GASP* no pantyliner! So my period will probably come soon. Honest. It's strange because I want to hope, but I would rather AF just show so that I don't have to hope too much just to be let down.
In other news, Keith has been doing sinus rinses a lot lately. He keeps calling it a nose douche. Which I find very humorous.
So yeah. That's about it for now. Sorry it's so short.
Yes, there are "signs and symptoms," but that's probably just my mind doing this. In fact, I've even put on brand spanking new undies with *GASP* no pantyliner! So my period will probably come soon. Honest. It's strange because I want to hope, but I would rather AF just show so that I don't have to hope too much just to be let down.
In other news, Keith has been doing sinus rinses a lot lately. He keeps calling it a nose douche. Which I find very humorous.
So yeah. That's about it for now. Sorry it's so short.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
My Mail Lady is a Ninja
I swear. She delivered a package straight to my door today. Which is upstairs. She rang the doorbell, I jumped up and put on my robe, opened the door, and she was already driving away. Either she has the power of teleportation, or she straight jumped off my second story porch. Because seriously, I could never make it down my stairs that fast in a million years.
But anyways, the package was just a refill of my evening primrose oil and some natural lavender petal water body spray. For relaxation purposes, of course. I have a hard time relaxing when I'm stressed out or riled up about something. Hence the passionflower lozenges and natural lavender spray. I think they're doing an ok job of keeping me calm/helping me relax in times when I would normally get upset and then stay upset all day. And basically for no reason. I just snap and then stay pissed and have a bad day. But the point is that they're helping and they're not mind altering, which I like for the time being.
Y'all. I read Jen's newest post just now and bawled my eyes out. My cousin introduced me to her blog this past summer, and I just devoured it. I've kept up with it religiously. In fact, Jen is part of the reason I was able to work up the gumption to actually start a blog. I feel like I know her and can relate with some of the things she writes about now, and lots that she wrote about pre-mommyhood. That's why this is breaking my heart. I know she's a strong woman, but nobody should ever have to go through what she's going through now. My heart breaks for every woman who has had to deal with this.
The last thing I'll mention for the night is that after five glorious days I've started spotting again. Very lightly, mind you. But it's there. I was almost starting to get my hopes up that we'd done it naturally, but I'm thinking probably not. Anyways, I'll catch you cats tomorrow.
But anyways, the package was just a refill of my evening primrose oil and some natural lavender petal water body spray. For relaxation purposes, of course. I have a hard time relaxing when I'm stressed out or riled up about something. Hence the passionflower lozenges and natural lavender spray. I think they're doing an ok job of keeping me calm/helping me relax in times when I would normally get upset and then stay upset all day. And basically for no reason. I just snap and then stay pissed and have a bad day. But the point is that they're helping and they're not mind altering, which I like for the time being.
Y'all. I read Jen's newest post just now and bawled my eyes out. My cousin introduced me to her blog this past summer, and I just devoured it. I've kept up with it religiously. In fact, Jen is part of the reason I was able to work up the gumption to actually start a blog. I feel like I know her and can relate with some of the things she writes about now, and lots that she wrote about pre-mommyhood. That's why this is breaking my heart. I know she's a strong woman, but nobody should ever have to go through what she's going through now. My heart breaks for every woman who has had to deal with this.
The last thing I'll mention for the night is that after five glorious days I've started spotting again. Very lightly, mind you. But it's there. I was almost starting to get my hopes up that we'd done it naturally, but I'm thinking probably not. Anyways, I'll catch you cats tomorrow.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Feeling Icky
I've just been feeling bad on and off today. For no apparent reason. Hopefully I'm not coming down with something. There were several instances where I thought I was gonna vomit everywhere. Not the funnest thing in the world, lemme tell you. In fact, once we got home from work, I started feeling bad pretty soon. Keith was scrolling through instant DVD titles on Netflix for the 360 and it was making me so nauseous. Plus my automatic air freshener is a lot stronger than I thought. So not really the best combination after the feel-bad day I had. I went and laid down in bed and rested/napped a little for about 45 minutes, then I got up and had some bread. After that I feel pretty ok. I'm still cooking dinner even though it's later that we're really used to.
No sign of good ol' AF today. Then again, I usually start on cd24 or 25. So today or tomorrow, probably. My body is just being weird and doing all kinds of crazy junk lately. We can discuss this more at a later date, though. Dinner is just about ready and we're gonna start watching a movie since I super love Keith right now and don't want to jab his eyes out or anything.
No sign of good ol' AF today. Then again, I usually start on cd24 or 25. So today or tomorrow, probably. My body is just being weird and doing all kinds of crazy junk lately. We can discuss this more at a later date, though. Dinner is just about ready and we're gonna start watching a movie since I super love Keith right now and don't want to jab his eyes out or anything.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Shooting Stars
I saw three last night!
We celebrated the New Year last night since Keith had to work yesterday morning. We drove out to get some firewood, then drove back the other way to our piece of land. It's there that we built the best fire ever, had a little fireworks show, rocked out to great tunes, roasted treats, and had some cold ones. And then we came home for sexy time. Which was awesome, as usual. But you don't really want to know too much about that. And even if you did, I would not go into detail. Because, awkward.
My body is being so weird. I'm at CD23 today, so I expect AF (aunt flo) anytime now. The strange thing about this is that I stopped spotting completely 3 or 4 days ago. I know that you're thinking "Ok, no. The weird thing is that you spot that long and find it normal, crazy woman." But the sad thing is that for me, the spotting is what is normal. It's what I'm used to. Blame it on the PID, I guess. Or maybe even the craptastic hormones. Either way, it's there and I'm used to it. So now that it's gone I'm wondering what the heck, ya know? So yeah, not really sure what's up. Most likely just my body trying to screw with my mind like it's so fond of doing.
I've had a fabulous two days off, minus some emotional issues. Emotional meaning severely bitchy. Like, severely. I'm surprised that Keith's eyes did not get scratched out at one point or another. Not that he did anything wrong, just that for some reason I cannot control my anger. Or something like that. I don't know why, but I don't like it.
And I will end with this: Keith has been reading about garlic as a superfood. Today he read that it's great for sinuses and that you can make a garlic nose drop to help cure sinus infections. He currently has pieces of garlic shoved in his nose. Please take a moment to ponder the absurdity of this action and also giggle at the notion of having to take a grown ass man to the ER for shoving items up his nose.
We celebrated the New Year last night since Keith had to work yesterday morning. We drove out to get some firewood, then drove back the other way to our piece of land. It's there that we built the best fire ever, had a little fireworks show, rocked out to great tunes, roasted treats, and had some cold ones. And then we came home for sexy time. Which was awesome, as usual. But you don't really want to know too much about that. And even if you did, I would not go into detail. Because, awkward.
My body is being so weird. I'm at CD23 today, so I expect AF (aunt flo) anytime now. The strange thing about this is that I stopped spotting completely 3 or 4 days ago. I know that you're thinking "Ok, no. The weird thing is that you spot that long and find it normal, crazy woman." But the sad thing is that for me, the spotting is what is normal. It's what I'm used to. Blame it on the PID, I guess. Or maybe even the craptastic hormones. Either way, it's there and I'm used to it. So now that it's gone I'm wondering what the heck, ya know? So yeah, not really sure what's up. Most likely just my body trying to screw with my mind like it's so fond of doing.
I've had a fabulous two days off, minus some emotional issues. Emotional meaning severely bitchy. Like, severely. I'm surprised that Keith's eyes did not get scratched out at one point or another. Not that he did anything wrong, just that for some reason I cannot control my anger. Or something like that. I don't know why, but I don't like it.
And I will end with this: Keith has been reading about garlic as a superfood. Today he read that it's great for sinuses and that you can make a garlic nose drop to help cure sinus infections. He currently has pieces of garlic shoved in his nose. Please take a moment to ponder the absurdity of this action and also giggle at the notion of having to take a grown ass man to the ER for shoving items up his nose.
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