See This?

I'm blogging, WOOHOO! Sorry it took so long. It's mainly because I suck.

In the time between now and my last blog, we went camping. That's about it. Oh, and I had my last day at work. Did I start my period? No. That would be good luck, and I really don't think I'm allowed to have any of that.

So, camping. It was pretty fun. We didn't really do much. Just relax, have a fire, eat bad food, fishing. Oh, and sleeping in a tent, which basically means we slept outside. But I looooove it! The campsite has a shower, and while I didn't pack any soap, we still hopped in to rinse the Off! off of us. Yes, together. Minimal sexiness, I assure you. But anyways, since my hair was wet, I froze my booty off all freaking night. So I awoke every few hours, cold and sore (from the air mattress). Once it got light out, it turned warm enough to actually get some decent sleep. So I put the covers over my head and slept in. Keith got up early, but joined me a bit later and he slept in with me as well. And in case you're wondering, we didn't catch any fish. Still fun and relaxing though.

Let me ask you this: do you shave your arms? I don't. But sometimes, I look at my arms and think "Ok, fuck this hair. It has to go." But then I think about it and realize that I'm entirely too lazy and have no fucks left to give about keeping up with shaving my arms. I already don't shave enough. In fact, I mentioned to Keith that I shaved Friday night. He said "Yeah, I know. I got up and took a shower. You forgot to rinse the tub. It looked like you shaved a cat in there." .....I guess you could say that. Anyways, I seem to have hair everywhere. Sometimes I wish I was rich enough to go somewhere and have laser hair removal on my entire body, except for my eyebrows and head. It would be amazing. Maybe someday after I win the lottery, if I have money left over from fixing my uterus and then I'll get all of my hair lasered off.

Tomorrow is Big Cycle Day 140. 140 days since I started my last period. 132 days since I finished my last period. I know it sounds great to some of you, but it's so depressing for me. How can I take my fertility meds if I don't have a period? Let me tell you: I can't. And this is after I've taken Provera, which failed the first time, then Premarin to build a lining, then Provera again, and it STILL failed. Or is failing. I don't know. I'm 10 days past my last day of Provera and I'm not happy. Not even one tiny speck. I've been wearing panty liners when I leave the house. I suspect it's just a waste of money. How is it possible to take meds to FORCE a period and it still doesn't come? I don't really know. I'm starting to worry that something got messed up during the D&C. Like what if there's scarring blocking the opening of my cervix or something? I don't even know if that's possible, but I know it would be bad. I'll wait a few more days, then call my doctor. He said if it doesn't work this time that he'll do blood work, which is good. But this time I'm going to push for an ultrasound. I have to know what's going on in there, and I won't stand for his laziness this time. I wish there was a better doctor around here that deals with infertility, but there isn't. I'd have to travel an hour or more.

I just don't know how much longer I can deal with this. Not just the no period thing. All of it. I don't understand how some of you have gone longer than I have and stayed sane. Infertility is killing me slowly. As a woman, it's probably one of the worst things to deal with mentally and physically. People don't understand that. You watch everyone around you get pregnant and have babies. And you think "Surely I'm next." But then those babies turn one, and then two. And you're still childless. Still yearning. Still aching. Questioning your worth as a woman. How is it fair that the one thing you want more than anything in the world is so unattainable? I wish people would put themselves in our position, really imagine it. Imagine yourself having a medical condition that prevents you from having children. Imagine the stress it puts on your life, your marriage, your bank account, your sanity. Imagine the countless hours you spend yearning, the tears you shed, the hurt and jealousy, and subsequent guilt, you feel. Now imagine everyone telling you to relax and stop stressing. Imagine them telling you about so-and-so who did such-and-such and got pregnant. Imagine them forcing advice and stories on you constantly. Even on your best days it terrible. If other people could just take the time out to really try and put themselves in our shoes for just one minute, surely they would understand, or at least begin to. Surely they would realize that there are some things that you just shouldn't say, and times when all you can do is be a friend or a shoulder to cry on. That's all we're asking for.