Not Great

Today wasn't the best day for me, emotionally. I started out feeling tired and kinda like crap. Definitely improved as the day went on, but then Keith started getting grouchy, which made me get grouchy. It doesn't help that we work outdoors a good part of the day in the billion degree Texas heat. I was really hoping I'd feel better once I got home and took a nap, but turns out not really.

I woke up in kind of a weird mood. Then something triggered my depressive feelings (which I'll talk about later) and I've felt like shit since then. It's a strange feeling. It's a combination of sadness, stress, and anxiety. Physically it feels like there is a weight on my chest. It makes it difficult to breathe and gets me nauseous and tense all over. It's very hard to talk myself out of it when I feel this way.

I didn't expect everything to be all unicorns and butterflies from the get go, but we've had so many good days since I started Prozac. Having a bad day just like I used to have every day has really thrown me off. I'm hoping so hard that tomorrow is better. How did I do this every single day, day after day?

Got my results back from prolactin labs. It's elevated again. The first draw was elevated, second in normal range, and this time it was elevated again. My nurse told me to be sure and keep my appointment for next Wednesday because the doctor will likely want to put me on medication to help control the levels. I don't know a lot about prolactin, except that it's the hormone that triggers lactation in women. Since I'm not pregnant or breastfeeding, it doesn't necessarily mean that I will lactate. I haven't thus far, and highly doubt I will. That would be weird. Elevated prolactin levels can cause irregular or absent periods, which I'm definitely having. I also know that PCOS can cause prolactin to be a little elevated. That's probably what's causing it with me. I feel like this is just a small piece of this puzzle. Hopefully the ultrasound next week will give us a few more answers.

Anyways, my sister's friend posted pictures of them on Facebook at a Fourth of July parade. That's what triggered me. Kerri and the kids looked so happy and cute. Part of me is really glad to see that, especially for the kids. But there is another part of me that is still hurt and mad. That part of me wants to know why she hasn't tried to call me. That part wonders if she feels bad or if she misses me at all, or if the kids miss us. The good part of me is glad to see that they look like a family again. The bad part is still mad that she went back to him. That part doesn't feel like he deserves them after what he did. But most of all, even though I'm still having a lot of negative feelings about the situation, most of me just misses having a sister, nephew, and niece.