Let me start off by saying it's not because I hate my job. I like the people I work with. Hell, I love some of em, and it's a super easy job. The reason I finally decided to go through with it is this: I just feel like I've been spreading myself so thin here lately. I know I haven't been giving 100% in any area of my life, and I don't like that. Usually I like to do my best at everything, and lately it just hasn't been going that way.
I do so much stuff. Lots of stuff with the route, then my job, then housework, errands, trying to get (and stay) fit and healthy, dealing with infertility and treatments. It's all just been adding up and adding up, and today was kind of my breaking point. I've been in the warehouse every morning this week, and this morning was the worst. (It's really because I took a whole sleeping pill last night, plus my Premarin. In my defense, I didn't know I'd have to work this AM.) Anyways, it just felt like the worst morning ever. It was so hard to get up and go to my regular job, and I just realized that I can't keep the hours I've been keeping and stay sane or rested at all. I just got to the point where I can't do it anymore.
Not only that, but Keith really needs my help right now. We're trying to get a different route, plus the new handheld system. It blows. But things really need to be just about perfect and the stores need to be looking good because you never know who is gonna come and check out your shelves. So basically I'll be helping him focus more on that. I'll start to work with him Mondays, Thursdays, and Saturdays. And of course loading up on the other mornings. Right now I feel pretty good about this decision. I think it will be nice to be able to focus on one line of work.
And this infertility crap? Yeah. I don't like it. And yes, I somewhat used it as part of my reason for putting in my notice. We're starting to really get into treatments and more pills and whole lots of things. Things that make me at least 10 times crazier than normal, and if I'm gonna be forced to deal with The Crazy, I'd rather do it in the privacy of my own home. Better than inflicting it on the general populace/elderly of Jasper, Texas right?
What it all boils down to is that I really did feel bad about doing it, even though it simultaneously feels like a big weight off of my shoulders. I feel bad knowing that my boss is gonna have to find someone to take my place. I feel bad leaving my friends. Cuz everyone knows I only have two, and they're my coworkers Rhonda and Kellie. (And I'm not even sure that they like me very much, but that's beside the point mostly.) I felt so nervous all day. It took forever just to work up the courage to have that conversation with my boss. And then when I finally did, my face turned all red like it always does and I almost cried. Not because I thought he would be mad or yell or something, I just don't like doing that kind of thing. I felt like I was letting him down. That's not a good feeling.
But the good news is that we went to Casa Ole for dinner and I ate away all of my feelings of anxiety and stress, diet be damned!
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So, I was reading an article on Cracked.com about cliches, and this one really hit home. I hate the saying that everything happens for a reason. Lots of people use that one when they have no idea what else to say when told that a friend is infertile. Horrible thing to say. Here's the author's opinion on the saying:#1. Everything Happens For a Reason
What It's Supposed To Mean:
All this suffering is part of a cosmically divine plan.
Why I Hate It:
I suppose this cliche wouldn't be intolerable if it were merely meant to be taken literally. Everything does happen for a reason. People die young because they get hit by trains or get cancer. People are maimed and disfigured in wars because of bombs. I mean, if that's all this cliche were trying to convey then it would just be vaguely annoying. You'd assume the speaker were just some mental deficient who says things like "water is wet," "ice cream is yummy," or "Tosh is funny."
But the annoying thing about this phrase is that the speaker believes he/she has some inside track to God or Fate or whatever mystic unseen hand controls the universe. As if there is a power and that power decided there was an actual reason to inflict a newborn baby with Trisomy 18 or have a woman get gang raped. And given the existence of this rational force --that operates only with justification and reason-- who are you to question why someone ravaged your wife, or blew apart your son, or took your leg? This cliche insists that either happy endings always exist ("see, they never would have found that tumor, unless they were repairing that machete wound to your abdomen") or if there is no happy ending for you then your suffering was part of some greater plan that benefited another ("don't be sad that you were imprisoned for twenty years by a racist jury for a crime you didn't commit, I mean, think about the valuable lesson you've taught us about bias in criminal juries!) I'm not saying all suffering is random and pointless, or that nothing good can ever come out of a bad situation, but the arrogance that comes from the belief that tragic events are always justified as part of a larger plan is just intolerable. I don't know why bad things happen, but I do know that no one who throws this cliche around knows either. So to everyone keeping this miserable expression alive, please leave people to their misery and save your cliche for yourself the next time you're walking in the woods and step into a bear trap after getting shot in the eye by a drunken hunter.
Read the full article on Cracked.com here: Five Popular Sayings That Make You Look Like an Idiot
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