Is This Day Over Yet?

I'm a terrible blogger lately. I have things to talk about, but I find myself not feeling like it. I blame Provera, exhaustion, irritability. I had those last two before starting Provera. I am already scared of the mega bitch that I'm sure I'll be when I'm on Clomid. I swear, I am so irritable right now that I wanted to gouge Keith's eyes out earlier today. How the heck am I supposed to get him all sexed up in a couple weeks when I can't stop glaring and griping at him? I hate hormones. Really. I just wish my natural ones would work right so I didn't have to take any stupid meds. I don't want to be mean. I want to be normal. I want to make babies. I want it to be easy. I want, I want, I want, I WANT!

I will admit that I'm really thankful that Keith is in the mood to want. He wants a baby. Usually it seems like he doesn't give it much thought. But right now I can tell. I mean, he agreed to Clomid, right? That was a big step for him. Even when my problems weren't as bad as they were a couple of months ago, he just didn't seem into the idea of having to dose me up with medications. But it really didn't take that much to get him to agree. Actually, it didn't take anything at all. I basically just asked if he thought we could do it. If we're ready for it. He said yes. Even though Provera makes me irritated with him for almost no reason, I feel very lucky and loved. I love Keith so so so much. He's being so supportive. I know he wants this to work, too. I hope it does. I want to make him a dad even more than I want to make myself a mom. He's so perfect for the job. I can't even begin to explain how happy it would make me to give him a child.

Kim's funeral was today. I lost it when I looked over and saw her dad crying. I managed to do ok the rest of the time by thinking of inappropriate things. That's just like me, isn't it? Not inappropriate as in dirty. I was just thinking of other things when I should've been paying attention. Like how I swore I was going to lose my feet to hypothermia in that church. And how I wonder what Heaven is like.

I bet Kim and my mom are up there hanging out. I always thought that they would get along. I bet Mom is up there showing her the ropes. Like the best place to get coffee, where to sign up to be someone's shoulder angel, the best places to go on a Friday night. That kind of thing. What? You don't think Heaven is where you just sit around singing hymns and being boring, do you? Um, because from what I understand, Heaven is supposed to be this kind of paradise, and singing songs that usually make me sleepy is not my idea of paradise. Also, I bet you get to hang out with Jesus. I bet he rides around on a skateboard. Or maybe he likes to go surfing. I don't really know, but I bet he does those things because he's Jesus and therefore can do really kickass moves and tricks and flips and stuff.

Anyways, that's the kind of stuff I was thinking today. And everyday, to be honest with you. But I guess I'm done for the night.