I hate to say that today has not been the greatest. I've mostly felt awful. Tired and in pain. PAIN. Kidneys, ovaries, head, chest, and gas pains. Seriously. I feel like I'm falling to pieces.
I want to get something out. I hate holding things in. I know that my doctor said that my hormones seemed normal. I know. But I still can't shake the fear that I have POF. Premature Ovarian Failure, for those of you who have no idea what that stands for. It's basically extremely early menopause. Early is usually considered to be before 45. This might be a really irrational fear. But I can't help it. It's just one of those things.
I've been taking care of people all of my life. And to not be able to have a child of my own to love and raise and take care of would be the absolute worst. POF would suck because that would mean I would need an egg donor. Shit's expensive. And I'm sure my sister would be absolutely willing, so it would still be related to me by blood. But it wouldn't be exactly the same. I'd like to get pregnant on my own, the "fun" way. Medication like Clomid, or even injectibles, might be ok. I'd even be willing to try out IUI. (Intra-Uterine Insemination.) But things like IVF/ISCI, egg or sperm donation, or a surrogate would just be too expensive for us. It would literally take us years to save enough for any of those things. And adoption is just wayyyyy to expensive. Not that I wouldn't love to give a child a home, but the cost is just through the roof.
I guess what I'm saying is that I'm just not really optimistic today. I'm not exactly stressing over it, I just don't have very high hopes. But I want to have high hopes, I really do. So on that highly depressing note, I'm gonna get off of here and take a shower and get to bed.
I know this is no laughing matter, but I know you love to smile, so I will tell you what was going through my head reading this...Pheobe! When she is getting the embryos in. (my favorite episode, which includes the game to see who gets the apartment. It reminded me of the part when they tell Pheobe's brother that there will be 5 inserted and there is a 25% chance of it working and he says, "What would happen if you just stuck, like, 500 of 'em in there?" and his wife says, "Honey, she is not a gum ball machine..." Anyway, that is what I thought of and thought you would enjoy that Friends reference.
ReplyDeleteDude, yes! I was so thinking of that episode the other day!!! I don't think we'll be doing the invitro thing, but if we do someday, we should sing to the embryos and have hummas and watch Friends :)
ReplyDelete"Are you in there little fetus? In nine months will you come greet us? I will buy you some Adidas."
ReplyDeleteYes!!!! And I'll sit upside down and strum my guitar as we sing. Also there will be Joey. Because he's my other favorite :)
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