Death From Above

Today was....interesting. If any of you are friends with me on facebook or follow me on twitter, then you know that I had a near death experience this morning. There I was, minding my own business, closing the garage door at the warehouse when suddenly my face was attacked by GODZILLASPIDER! Oh. My. GAWD! It was huge and scary and it fell on my face, skittered down my neck and then onto my boobs. My boobs. Omfg. I shrieked and of course started slapping at my body and basically just spazzing out. I tripped over God knows what and almost dove head first into a stack of buns. So I'm writhing around and slapping myself yelling "OHMYGODFUCKTHERESABUGOHFUCKITSONME" repeatedly and Keith is just standing there like "what the hell is going on?" Finally I calmed down enough to stop for a second and stutter something out about spiders and bugs and my face and point in the general direction of the incident. And oh my god, there it is crawling around on the floor. It's so disgusting and creepy and my hysteria starts all over again. Keith just laughs and stomps its disgusting bug body into oblivion. It made the most satisfying crunch. I ran to him and he held me while I cried and shuddered and basically had an anxiety attack. This lasted about ten minutes. Needless to say, spiders are my worst enemies and my number one fear. It makes me appreciate the fact that the Orkin man came to the house today while we were at work. He comes every two months. Yay! I just thank God that my mouth wasn't open when the spider fell. I swear to you, had that thing gone into my mouth, I would've vomited, shit my pants, my head would have exploded and I would've died. The image of that thing just being on me will haunt my dreams for weeks.*Shudder*

Has anyone ever used an Instead Softcup? For your period or otherwise? I'm interested in trying them out for several reasons. The first being that although tampons don't usually hurt me to have them in, it's pretty fucking uncomfortable to have to insert them and take them out several times a day, everyday. That's just a sensitive area and although they're made of cotton, tampons are kinda scratchy. Secondly, it's safe to wear for up to 12 hours. That seems like a long ass time. And it is. But it would be really great for days that I'm on the bread route or really busy or just feeling lazy (which is always). Third, you can wear it during sex! Do you realize what this means? It means that we can do the no pants dance and Keith's weenie won't look like it committed a mass homicide! OMG, yes! Sign me up! Anyways, I really want to try them, but I guess I'd have to make sure I can reach my cervix first. I read a couple of hilarious tales from women with short fingers who could instert, but not remove their Softcup. I'm not willing to go all up in there with some tweezers. Brave, brave ladies. Or stupid. Whatever. My fingers are a fairly decent length, but every doctor I've been to says my cervix is "way up there." This is a direct quote. I know. It sounds so intelligent.

I have a problem. There. I said it. Maybe now I can start on the road to recovery. What? You'd like to know what my addiction is? ......Carbs. Horrible, delicious carbs. I'm such a fatty. Today I ordered large chili cheese fries with onions from Sonic and ate the WHOLE thing! So bad, but so delicious. Why must evil be so tasty? As someone who may or may not have PCOS/insulin resistance, refined carbohydrates are a no-no. A big one. As your body digests these terrible, wonderful foods, your blood sugar spikes to help it along. Only problem with refined carbs is that your body gets confused and they're basically converted to more sugars. So now you've just got a shitload of sugar floating around inside of you. Does anyone know what the body does with sugars? It converts them into energy. Does anyone know what happens to the sugars that aren't used? That's right. They get stored as fat. This is the problem. It would seem that my body does not metabolize sugars correctly, as I may or may not be resistant to insulin. So fats they become. This is true. My ass can confirm that this is fact. All you have to do is look at it. That's why it's so much better for me to eat whole grains. Actually, it's better for everyone. You can develop insulin resistance over time, so be careful. Anyways, whole grains are harder for your body to digest. So it takes longer. Which means that the sugars are more spread out and blahblahblah. Just google it. GTS, Google that shit.

If there is one thing that I absolutely do not understand, it's why there is never any toilet paper at the warehouse when I have to use the bathroom. Everytime I turn around the toilet is clogged with shit and toilet paper. Yet when I go in the bathroom to do a simple number one there is never, EVER any toilet paper. What the fuck, guys? Men need toilet paper way less often than women, but do I ever see the mysterious roll anywhere in the warehouse? No. Never. And half of the time there's shit particles and tp remnants in the bowl. Like maybe they just used it that morning, but refuse to share their secret hoard with anyone. I suppose I'll just have to start bringing my own and hiding it from everyone also. Stupid men.