Mother Faker

Jon is such a faker. He loves to fake cry when you piss him off. He'll fake laugh along with you if you think something is funny. And if he thinks you aren't paying enough attention to him, he'll fake cough to get your attention. He drove me crazy today with the fake cry. It's funny cuz he makes the goofiest face, but it's really irritating after a while.

We spent about three hours in Walmart today getting my oil changed. I usually go to the Valvoline place down the street because they always do all of your fluids and are really thorough. But today I had Kerri and her munchkin, so I chose Walmart for the AC and shopping opportunities. I bought curtain rods! I have some really cheap tension rods, but they suck. So I went ahead and bought some decent ones so that Keith can open the curtains without them falling on his head. And, I forgot to put in an Instead cup before we left, so I was leaking at Walmart. In white shorts. Thank GAWD I had a panty liner in my purse. But I guess it wouldn't have been that big of a deal. I could've just gone to the pharmacy section and bought some.

I found out today that a friend is pregnant with twins. We'll call her....Bea Hightower. Mainly because that's her actual name. I find that I'm really happy for her and her husband, Charles. I've known them both for a few years and they're really great, super sweet people. And if I remember correctly she had a miscarriage a year or two back. I can remember feeling sad for her. But the thing is, since it's twins and given her history, I have the urge to ask her about a thousand personal questions. Like after the sadness, when did they decide to try to have another baby? How long did it take them? Did they go through any fertility treatments? Did she use Clomid or was it a natural conception? Was it on purpose or accident? Are they hoping for boys or girls or both? These are the kinds of things that run through my mind when I find out about friends' pregnancies.

It's strange, but I'm really starting to accept others becoming pregnant a whole lot better. I'm not sure what it is, but lately I feel a lot less bitter towards them. I guess because I've been doing a ton of reading and thinking and crocheting, and I've come to realize that it's nobody's fault. It's nobody's fault that I can't have babies. It's nobody's fault that they can. I can't continue to place blame and frustration on everyone else. Women are not getting pregnant to spite me, and knowing that I'm infertile will not change their decisions to have kids. Not that I want them to. Fact is, I enjoy stalking them. I like to see how their pregnancies progress. Sure, I'm jealous. But that doesn't mean that I have to be pissed off at the world. I'd never wish infertility on any other woman on this Earth (except maybe a certain aunt of mine who has two kids and probably shouldn't pass on her stupidity to any others), but the truth is that it's making me learn some hard lessons about life, myself, and my relationship with my husband that I probably wouldn't have learned otherwise. I still have my bitter days, but I'm working on that. I'm not going to give up on my dream of becoming a mother, but I am going to try and be nicer towards those who've already realized that dream.